So, I guess I understand and I don’t understand why this movie was panned by the critics.  It wasn’t as bad as I heard it was- and I was prepared for the movie to blow donkey balls.  I can see hardcore comic nerds being unhappy with the way things fell out, and I can see non-comic people just, you know, not getting it, but for everyone who falls in the middle… it was decent.  The action was good.  The story didn’t weigh down the pace too much.  I mean, it wasn’t super great, but it was a decent movie.  I’d watch it again.  I’d watch a sequel, even.  I’m kinda hoping for an eventual Justice League movie- that’d be pretty fucking cool.

But I suppose that all the CGI is gonna be hard to take in, and the whole ‘will’ thing- you either get it or you don’t.  I’m not going to defend the movie too much- you like what you like- but I was prepared for this thing to suck the root and it really didn’t.  It felt like reading the comic to me.  Take into consideration that the only Green Lantern comics that I have read so far are all from the Blackest Night bit, and do what you will with that.  (For the record, I mean it as a compliment as I have been enjoying them immensely.)

I did have a few problems with the movie.  I think they cut out some of the character development stuff- they jump around on Hal’s characterization at first.  He is a really good, cock-sure pilot, but he nearly dies of flashback.  He seems to go back and forth on this, and I suspect that this was an editing decision and not a writing decision.  There’s a scene towards the middle? Ish?  That has clearly been chopped in half for time purposes.  It furthered character, and not the plot so much.  I think Ryan Reynolds has played this kind of guy before, and I really like him as an actor.  I think he did a good job, I don’t think it’s his fault that Hal seems a little inconsistent.  He’s the only reason I watched Blade 3 (which I’ll talk about at length at some point but my basic thoughts on it are: it would have been a decent vampire flick if they had left Blade out of it).

Anyway, the point of that was that I get the kind of character that they were making Hal Jordan into.  He’s so cocky because he’s terrified, that sort of thing.  I just think they trimmed too many of the wrong moments, and so his character is not as solidly identifiable as it should be.  He could have had a more complex, interesting story (and I have no clue how close to the comic it runs other than ‘roughly the same ballpark, maybe’) but that’s not the sort of thing you can really set up in a movie like this.  You have to have room for plot AND action- where as action can be interspersed well in comic books without interfering too much with the amount of plot that goes on.  An action scene that only takes up a few pages takes a lot longer to play out on film- it’s a tricky balance, is what I’m saying, and it’s why action films tend to not be as dense as films can be.  There’s too much other shit that has to go on.  I’m not saying it can’t be done, I’m just saying that’s why it’s not.

I did end up seeing this in 3d.  I personally don’t have a big stake in 3d/2d other than I don’t like wearing glasses over my glasses, but I think 3d is a fun gimmick and I’m kind of curious as to how long it’ll stick around, this time.  The 3d in the movie was pretty good- I’m fairly headache prone, and I didn’t get headachey or watery eyed, or anything like that.  But I do think that if any movie should be made in 3d, it’s probably something where green energy light is a physical manifestation of will.  I liked the CGI, I thought the suits looked good, and I’m glad that they were CGI.  It won’t look like a suit made of energy if it’s clearly Spandex.

Oh, something else- I liked that the opening was all about aliens, and we didn’t start off with humans.  They could have swapped the order, and started with Hal, and then bounced to the aliens- or even only mentioned the aliens in passing, although I think that would have been a shame.  I liked knowing where we are with Parallax from the beginning, and seeing what a threat he is straight up.  Although, thinking about it, switching back to the aliens before Hal became a Green Lantern would probably fuck up the narrative flow- but still, the first bit was about aliens on an alien world dying an unfortunate alien death.

What else did I like?  ……oh, I liked Sinestro.  I know how things turn out with him, but from what I’ve read he was a genuinely great Green Lantern, and that showed in the movie.  I didn’t like that at the end he just puts on the yellow ring and we don’t get any of the ‘why’ because I have gleaned from reading Blackest Night (and may be wrong) that he felt very betrayed by the Green Lantern Corps and that was why he turned to the yellow ring- however, I’m gonna treat it as a future scene from the next movie where that’s explored more and stick my fingers in my ears and hum about it.  Because ‘because’ isn’t a good enough reason for a man who was arguing passionately about the lives being lost and the need to take steps to prevent it, at any cost.  I do wish he weren’t bright red with a widows peak and a porn stash and his name was something a little less obvious than Sinestro, but I know I have DC to take to task for that and not the movie, so meh.  Although I suppose it was fun at first with him being this evil looking character (AND HIS NAME IS SINESTRO FFS) and he’s totally a good guy, I guess I get playing with that, but BE LESS PREDICTABLE OKAY.  I hope Sinestro means “light bringer” or something like that.

Urm, oh I liked Carol Ferris and the way she was portrayed.  She’s beautiful, but she does come off as competent at what she does and she clearly likes Hal but is really frustrated with him.  Also, I love love LOVE that Hal tries to do the ‘Just doing my job, ma’am’ thing and when she gets close she totally recognizes him.  I think she says something like “I have known you my whole life, and I have seen you naked.  Did you think I wouldn’t recognize you just because I couldn’t see your cheekbones?”  I lol’d.  He did try to do the Batman voice trick too.  He was shocked- shocked I tell you!- when she made him in less than a minute.

Oh, about Hal- I love that they get it across that he’s a ‘ladies man’ without making him an obnoxious pig about it.  He doesn’t leer at every girl in a skirt he passes, and when he compliments Carol’s dress he actually sounds like he’s complimenting Carol’s dress- that sort of thing.  Oh, he wakes up next to a gal and he comes off as ‘nice but distracted’.  Like, he’d totally stick around and have breakfast with her if he weren’t late.  He’s got his dickish moments, but it’s never in a ‘because you’re a girl’ way.  So that was nice.

Yeah I don’t have too many complaints.  Some of the character developement felt rushed, but that was pretty much it.  A+ would buy again.

Nick and I always expected you to be around for our kids.  Skye, my niece, was born in October and it breaks my heart that you never got to meet her.  That baby’s laugh would do you so much good, and she looks so much like Nick it’s not even funny.  (She has his exact ears, which I find utterly hysterical.)  Dad’s been through a lot, and I think that maybe you and Dad could get along.  It’d be good for you to have friends your own age.

I never came around often enough.  I don’t know how to apologize enough for it, the only excuse I have to offer (and it’s a lame one) is that it’s how I have always been.  I’m the same way with the family I like, the family I dislike, my close friends… I’m a hermit, and it’s bad for me.  And so were you, and it was bad for you.  You forced yourself to go outside and be social, and I have to do the same thing with myself.

I don’t think I ever accurately described how much I was always inspired by you, how much I still am.  You were flawed, but you routinely did things that most people saw as miracles.  There are some many times in the past two years where I wanted to call you up and talk to you, or swing by and take you out to lunch.  I wish you had seen Nick in his uniform, and gone to see Star Trek with us when we were in town.  If I had known you were in the hospital, I swear, I would have been there.  I’ve never had a bigger shock than waking up to the news that you were dead, and your service was the next day.

I love you.  You were one of the few constants in my life, you are still a source of inspiration.  I think you were amazing and never knew how amazing you were.

I wish you were alive.  I’m sorry you’re gone.

Love always,

Bethany

None of the characters were likeable, and we didn’t really know enough about the villain to actually root for him.  Also, almost all of the deaths occurred off screen, which I thought was a big no-no for horror movies. I realize it makes the special effect thing easier, but it takes away any impact from the deaths.

It was also done in the least creepy abandoned prison on the planet, somehow. Either that or the movie sucked so hard it made a creepy place less creepy.

Also, apparently I forgot to copy when I announced the movie and linked to it’s IMDB, but we were watching Psycho Ward.

Yet another dvd cover that has nothing to do with the movie.

MartianBethany: Okay, I have selected another movie that hopefully will be less boring and confusing. Here in about 15 minutes we’ll do it, but first

MartianBethany: I need a friggin daquiri

Adamthemann: Bad movies cause people to drink

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann This is a fact.

MartianBethany: Blurb: A group of urban researchers set about exploring an abandoned psychiatric hospital with a terrible history, but are they-

MartianBethany: prepared for the horrifying, possibly supernatural secrets hidden within its crumbling walls?

MartianBethany: This is apparently a PSYCHO WARD production. So, one off?

MartianBethany: This guy may as well have DOUCHEBAG written on his forehead. Also FRATBOY.

Adamthemann: Steve Stiffler what

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Stiffler is mature and interesting compared to this guy.

MartianBethany: The film work on this is just bad. It has a horrible jumpy pace that screams ‘we fucked up and pretended we meant to’

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany O_O is…..that even….possible

MartianBethany: Oh good lord his name is KEN. REALLY. If her name is Barbie I just quit.  (Martian note: I totally forgot to mention that he dies right away.  Forgive me, I am out of practice.  This was the ‘opening scene death’ that happens in every slasher movie ever.)

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany The horror of this movie… It was the imagination of a little girl playing with her barbie and ken doll

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann That’d be much cooler than this.

MartianBethany: So, teacher, 2 gals, 2 boys. A mysterious ‘contact’. This is a project for school, college maybe?

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany this will end up in an orgy/bloodbath with a dude in a mask killing hookers O_o

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Nah, standard slasher film.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany gotcha, so the virgin will live

MartianBethany: What her knife was just… laying out of it’s sheath in the trunk. Oh, oh, so we know she has a knife. Gotcha.  (Martian note: I realize that this is using Chekhov’s gun approach, but this is just so that later on she can cut her own bonds with her knife.  She doesn’t kill anybody with it.  And I’m willing to take for granted that nearly anybody is carrying  a pocket knife, so this was pretty unnecessary.)

MartianBethany: Wow, thanks professor for introducing everyone and letting us know about their one defining feature!

MartianBethany: We have the jerk, the bitch, the nice dude, the nice chick, Professor (exposition ahoy) and some chick we haven’t really seen yet.

Adamthemann: The mystery chick is the killer, and she is jealous because the Jerk is a two timing ass

MartianBethany: Hrm so here’s where they wander around in the dark and the jerk startles them. Glad that part has come up.

MartianBethany: Hahaha and the jerk got kicked in the face. He should probably have a bloody nose.

MartianBethany: Awwww there goes the nice guy. I guess I can’t blame the movie for taking it slow.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Movie: plot? Likable characters? SCREW THAT LETS JUST START KILLING PEOPLE!!

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie Apparently so! I thought we’d get more back story, but nope.

MartianBethany: So the 2 guys are locked in isolation, nice guy is dead, and nice girl may be the daughter of the serial killer!

MartianBethany: Smart Girl and Mystery girl are wandering around. Smart Girl wants to leave, now. I’m with her. Mystery girl wants to find the boys.

MartianBethany: Screw that, three adult males and one gal have gone missing. If they can’t make it out, call cops, wait.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany psh that’s for COMPETENT story tellers. Or pansies, can’t tell which.

MartianBethany: Oh hey, everyone was smart and got out the phones. Ah, no signal

MartianBethany: I think the professor and mystery girl have some kind of relationship, don’t know what. He’s actually a doctor, but I can’t call him

MartianBethany: the doctor because he’s nowhere near as cool as the Doctor.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany no one is as cool as the Doctor. It’s impossible to be that cool.

MartianBethany: Oh hey, two more strangers we don’t care about who are about to die! We’re about to have a mirror sting, I’ll bet.  (Martian note: Mirror sting- when someone is looking into a mirror, looks away, and then looks back and suddenly bad guy is there.  Sometimes the sting occurs when the person is looking away- something appears and is gone, but generally it’s the first.)

MartianBethany: I guess that was a break from the riveting *cough* story inside the prison? Which, btw, no psych ward in sight.

MartianBethany: Opening the walk in freezer door to find a corpse or the murderer. Calling it

Adamthemann: yeah till she freezes to death

Adamthemann: No psych ward YET. Queue Straight jackets and play HERE COME THE DRUMS

MartianBethany: Oh, nope, living girl. Well, that’s all right then.

MartianBethany: Wow so they’re dragging around the girl who’s freaking out tied and gagged because… she wants to leave, like them?

MartianBethany: She’s covered in blood, her hands her tied, she’s gagged, and they’re all okay with this apparently.

MartianBethany: All right, so, I’m hoping Nice Girl (the one they tied up and gagged) makes it. Everyone else can die.

MartianBethany: God dammit she just died. That’s it, nuke the site from orbit.

Adamthemann: Nice Girl is gonna live cause she is the virgin …….I stand corrected

MartianBethany: Ahh mystery girl is the professor’s younger sister. Oh good lord the Jerk’s name is ACTUALLY STUDDS

MartianBethany: Why? why would you do that?

Adamthemann: I thought his name was Ken. Or Is it Ken Studds

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Nah that was the idiot who died in the beginning, before the movie ACTUALLY started.

MartianBethany: I think Jerk is about to die! Oh I hope I hope!

MartianBethany: It’s amazing how neat, tidy, and clean this place is for a prison that’s been empty for years.

MartianBethany: You know, this movie is taking such pains to make sure you know everyone dies, I wonder if in the end that somehow they aren’t dead.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany it was all a drug induced hallucination

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Too much LSD will do that to anybody, man.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany it would be like O_O wow

MartianBethany: “Some of these bricks are newer.” Clearly, obviously, a doorway has been bricked up. Any idiot could tell.

MartianBethany: Smooth white wall like the rest of the prison. Doorway sized hole, bricked over. We don’t need CSI.

MartianBethany: The professor is now Captain Obvious

MartianBethany: You know, Captain Obvious, you’re leaving your baby sister alone for an awful long time when you know someone’s been killing your pals

Adamthemann: Little Sister is the master mind. She is controlling her killer brother via Barbie Dolls

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann She’s not that young… but I still would accept that as an answer.

MartianBethany: “Everyone’s dead.” “No, Sara’s alive, and we can save her.” CUT TO: Sara about to be sledgehammered to death.

MartianBethany: The Gallagher Method isn’t a very dignified way to get offed.

MartianBethany: “Are you okay?” Her first gruesome murder scene, give her a second, dude.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany I want to do it again *she looks at her older brother*

MartianBethany: Oh good lord Captain Obvious is gonna save the day through Psychology. Somebody save me.

MartianBethany: You shoulda axed him in the spine when you had the chance, nothing takes a guy down like fucking up his central nervous system.

Adamthemann: Captain Obvious needs to save the day via Sonic Screwdriver *nods*

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Nay, that’s for much better entertainment than this.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany true true.

MartianBethany: And everyone dies.

MartianBethany: Somehow not as satisfying as I thought it would be. Weird how that works.

Adamthemann: So the killer killed everyone even himself……… what… a…. twist?????

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Nah, but he took some good stabs to the gut, he’ll likely die at some point.

MartianBethany: I don’t know what the point of this movie was. Nobody lived, there was no gore, and it wasn’t spooky. And abandoned buildings are-

MartianBethany: -spooky all on their own. It’s like it’s the anti horror movie.

Bridesmaids (In theaters)- I have a report from a friend that this isn’t a bad movie at all, and it’s not a Hangover remix like it was sort of advertised as.  I don’t have any pre-thoughts for the movie, really, other than I hope that it’s the kind of funny that I can stand.  I’m really quite picky about ‘funny’ and I think most movies that have come out with the intent of being funny suffer the sin of trying too hard.  I dislike things that are funny because it’s uncomfortable- the whole awkward funny genre just isn’t my bag.  That being said, I’m willing to watch this one, but I’m gonna catch it on a week day matinee when Greg’s working, I think.

Priest (In theaters)- I fully plan on watching this in the next couple of weeks based solely on the preview I saw when Paul Bettany was on Conan.  I don’t think it will be all that great but I’m getting a Blade 2/Van Helsing vibe off it.  Neither of those movies were spectacularly great but I have a fondness for them anyway.

Hangover 2 (In theaters)- I have heard this was just like the first one.  I did not, in fact, find the first one all that hilarious.  Funny on a first pass, but mostly just kinda idiotic.  Again, I’m particular about funny, but I’m gonna give this one a miss in theaters.  I will probably end up watching it on DVD at some point.

X-Men: First Class (June 3)- I loved the first and second X-Men movie.  I loooooathed the third.  Still do.  I liked the Wolverine movie in spite of it kind of sucking (and the lack of actual Deadpool, which is crazy because Ryan Reynolds is perfect for him).  Having seen the commercials for this, it looks like it’s part period movie, part origin story, part awesome.  I’m hoping to be right.

Super 8 (June 10)- You know, the advertising for this movie has actually really turned me off to it.  It was the same thing about Cloverfield- I have yet to see that movie, because the way they advertised just didn’t do anything for me at all.  It’s based 90% off hype, and there’s just no way the movie can be as interesting as all that.  Having seen an actual trailer, I’m struck that the story (at least, according to the trailer) sounds like something Stephen King would write.  All it needs is to be set in Maine.  I may end up watching it, but it probably won’t be the theater.

Green Lantern (June 17)- I love comic book movies even though I have only read a small handful of comics.  (Full disclosure: 90% of them have been Buffy comics.)  I like the stories, but I read so quickly in general that a comic book seems like a waste of money to me (5 bucks for bout 15 minutes of entertainment is a little steep), and I’m such a complete-ist that I don’t like picking things up in the middle.

With that all said, I am SO looking forward to this movie.  I love Ryan Reynolds (he’s the only reason I even bothered to watch the third Blade movie) and know next to nothing about the actual Green Lantern mythos.  I know that there are a lot of fans who are quite uneasy about the whole thing, but I’m going to go into it hoping for an entertaining movie that looks really cool.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins (June 17)- I realize this is a kid’s movie, but Jim Carrey needs to put the film career down and slowly back away.  I saw the trailer and thought “this is Liar, Liar with penguins” and nothing in the preview proved me wrong.  He’s trying to resurrect his career and this is not the jolt that particular monster needs.

Cars 2 (June 24)- Not happening.  A: I think Larry the Cable Guy oughta be set on fire.  B: while Pixar sequels generally go well, the first Cars wasn’t all that strong, in my opinion.  It falls under the “so not interested” category.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (June 29)-  Soooooo I have a bit of a confession.  I watched the Transformers movies just recently (I hadn’t watched either of them until about a month ago) and I kinda liked them.  I mean, some of the characters were super annoying and I could have done with more giant robots hitting each other, but they’re watchable.  I’m not super super interested in this movie but I’m wondering if they’ve corrected some of the visual problems with the first two.  The action being hard to follow, the robots being hard to distinguish from each other, that sort of thing.  I think this is a matinee/dollar theater candidate.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II (July 15)- Watching the first showing in town. Heck yes.

Captain America: The First Avenger (July 22)- So. Excite.  I love the previews for this and fully expect this movie to be awesome.

Cowboys and Aliens (July 29)- So what I know from the previews is that this movie features Indiana Jones and James Bond as Cowboys who have to fight Aliens.  It doesn’t have to do much right to be awesome.  And, let’s be honest, I’ll watch just about anything with Harrison Ford in it.

The Smurfs (July 29)- This is one of those where I am kinda not interested because there’s no possible way it could be good, but it stars Neil Patrick Harris and whats-her-name from Glee, who is totally funny and awesome in Glee.  This will probably be a dollar theater/rental movie.

Conan the Barbarian 3D (August 19)- Having never seen the original (yep!) I totally plan on catching this in the theater.  Especially since it’s an August release, everyone’s saying that it’s because the film company doesn’t think it will do well.  I think it’s just that there’s so much coming out this summer that they don’t think it will do well against that.  (Like, say, Harry Potter or Captain America or X-Men or Transformers or Super 8 or Green Lantern.  I think this is fair.)  So I’m not going to judge it for being released when some of the bigger stuff has already been out for a while, and I have liked the previews so far.

Movies I’ve seen:

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides- I really liked the latest Pirates sequel but it’s one of those things: I can’t defend it as being a good movie.  I thought the 3d was well done, and I thought that it was fun to watch, but I won’t swear it was particularly great.  About as good as sequel number 2, only featuring more of Captain Jack Sparrow (which is how it always should be imo).

Thor: I’ve already done a quick write up on this but I still say it’s a solid story that was handled well, and while some people think it could have been better I try not to judge movies on how awesome they could have been but how awesome they are.  And I still think this movie was fully awesome.  (Also, I watched The Spoony One’s review and he explained that there’s a leather strip on Mjolnir’s handle that Thor was using to helicopter around with, which didn’t even occur to me.)

I’ll definitely add movies as I see them, I think Priest or Bridesmaids are likely next on the ‘to-see’ list right now, so look for those coming soon.  I also have a few BMLT to post, and I definitely need to do another one soon, I have so many bad movies in my queue, and I now have Hulu Plus, which gives me a whole bunch more options.

If you haven’t watched it, you should.  It’s a beautifully done film with a stellar cast and it has no less than three different endings!  When it was originally sent to the theaters, it was only given one of the endings, and that ending depended on which theater you went to.  Some got the first, second, or third ending.  The DVD has an option where you can play it with on of the three random endings OR with the VHS ending, which has all three.  And to be honest, if you haven’t seen it, you still will recognize some of the music and themes played at the end.

There is some news about other board game franchises be3ing made into movies, and frankly they have high marks.  It isn’t too much of a stretch to take a murder mystery board game and turn it into a murder mystery movie- especially since the board game contains so little basic plot that they can basically do anything with it.  The colorful names turn into aliases, given to protect them from each other.  The weapons turn out to be gifts from the mysterious Mr. Boddy.  And, as with the board game, there is more than one way it can end.

Boardgames I am fairly certain I remember correctly that they’re going to remake: Monopoly, Battleship, and I think they’re making a Ouija board movie.

Monopoly: I don’t know how they’re going to make this interesting, to be honest.  Maybe a rags to riches type story?

Battleship: This could be a really interesting movie about stragety during X war, or it could be a really uninteresting movie with lots of explosions.  Honestly, I’m betting on the latter.

Ouija: Probably the only movie of the group that’s going to be all that interesting, and I’ll bet it’s more based around the board than on the plot of the game.  But this is the only one that I am looking forward to.

*googles boardgame movies*

THEY’RE GOING TO REMAKE CLUE WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHYYYYYY

*deep breath*

Reading the brief synopsis, I don’t think they’re actually remaking the movie, I think they’re making another movie based on the same franchise.

“”Clue” will be turned into a mystery that Blind Wink senior veep Jonathan Krauss called “A global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine.”"

That doesn’t sound like my Clue.  But still, what’s wrong with remastering the original version and doing another theater release?  I’d go to the theater to watch that, I’d watch the hell out of that!  Cast interviews, special features, new whooptie DVD!  I understand wanting to make money off a franchise, but why can’t they just re-release the movie?  They’d make money off of that with really very minimal input.

*ahem*

Uh, so, if you haven’t seen Clue yet (@riathepinkie, I mean YOU) then you should get on that.

So, without getting into too much detail: Thor is kicked out of Asgard for being too haughty by Odin.  Thor must learn humility in order to be restored to his rightful place and regain his powers.

Here’s my opinion- keep in mind I have not read the comics.  I like this movie, it’s predictable but fun.  It has the feel that first novels do sometimes, of hurrying to establish everything so we can get to the Real Story, and the movie ended with the text “Thor will appear again in The Avengers”.  The Avengers set up to the storyline felt a lot more natural than it did in Iron Man 2, and instead of trying to explain everything the movie just left some questions unanswered, which I liked.

I thought Asgard was lovely, and I loved the way the Bifrost was represented.  The movie ends in a satisfactory way, in my opinion, with all the ends nicely tied up and plenty of room for the TO BE CONTINUED that was implied by the end text.

One of the only real problems I had with this movie was that when Thor would fly, the way he was swinging Mjolnir looked impossible.   (Yes, I know, this magic hammer would travel like a jillion miles and hit everything in it’s path, but even so it acts as a hammer.)  Like Mjolnir was made of rubber or something, it seemed to take on a different shape.  I don’t know if this is just what happens and is established in the comic, or if it’s a result of CGI poorly done, but it was the only thing that made me step back and go “Really, movie?”   If the head like slides out on a string and it becomes something shaped like that and they just didn’t explain it in the movie, I guess that’s okay, but it was really distracting.

About the hiatus: I will be writing more on this and my makeup blog, No Makeup on Mars, and hopefully sometime soon I will pick up on my external projects.  Setting aside all the personal stuff that’s been going on, I am trying to find a schedule that doesn’t make me insane.  Well, more insane.

This isn’t permanent, and I will be back.

This isn’t a review.  Anything I reveal about Cryoburn might destroy something about one of the previous Miles books, and I urge you to go out and read all of them.  I have not yet read any of her books that don’t have to do with Miles or some part of his family, mostly because I’ve been so obsessed with his story that I haven’t stopped to read her other books.  Have no doubt that I will.

Miles is funny, a little scary, and completely unstoppable.

Miles is the son of a Count who was born with deformities due to a gas attack on his pregnant mother.  He is short, ugly, and very fragile (physically speaking) in the beginning.  He’s smart, but mostly he’s tenacious and has the gift of gab.

The cast of characters he runs with is long, considering the books cover quite a wide array of his life.  He is many things- a spy, a Lord, a member of the military, a faithful and loving son.  If you told me I could pick any character in fiction and make that character real it would be a tough call to choose between Miles Vorkosigan and the Doctor.

Some of the stories are weaker than the others, but Bujold has the power to make me laugh, by frightened for a character, and then weep copiously in the same story.   She’s an excellent writer and her characters and worlds are real and vivid.

Try this author, she may not be to everyone’s taste but I love her to death and I think she’s amazing.

I know a few people who have referred to it as YA even though I’ve never seen it as marketed as YA because people associate depth and quality with adult books and lack thereof with YA.  Which is silly, some of my favorite authors are YA authors.  J.K. Rowling may have started off a novice, but Harry Potter ends with characters who have depth that you don’t always like, sometimes they make poor decisions and the stories have three dimensions.  Things don’t go well, and it doesn’t seem like things happen just for the sake of plot convenience.  The same is true for Libba Bray books- if you want kinda creepy books where the main characters are extremely well developed, you want to read A Great and Terrible Beauty and the sequels.

The point is that a character is not a full character unless they aren’t likeable all the time.  Harry Potter isn’t, Gemma Doyle isn’t.  Most of Lackey’s characters are impeccable, beyond reproach, and their ‘flaws’ are outwardly perceived flaws.  So it’s a little one dimensional.  But I still read a lot of Lackey because it does entertain me and I like her writing, it’s easy to read and I think of it like brain popcorn.

I feel moooostly the same way about Dan Brown, with a few big asterisks.  I think Lackey is a stronger writer (and her stories are certainly better) but it’s entertaining and easy to read, again.  Also, it was sitting on the shelf.  So I read Deception Point.

Let’s start here: I missed Robert Langdon.  I realize he’s kind of a self-insert, but he’s an amusing self-insert.  Entertaining, and he’s presented as a nice authority on all things… symbolic.  Okay it kind of falls apart but he has a good excuse for being knowledgeable about half of everything.

I don’t think I can discuss this book without revealing the whole plot, so if you’re interested in reading the book afresh go ahead and read it and come back.  I’ll wait.  (Spoilers ahead.)

So, Rachel Sexton is what is called a “gister” in the book, and I’m not even sure that’s a real job name.  What she actually does is analyze data and summarize it.  She’s a data analyst, and I wish she’d been called that and not given some cutesy name job description, because Data Analyst for the NSA sounds a lot better than ‘Gister’ for the NSA, and you don’t have to explain one of those.

If that’s an actual industry term: I don’t care, that doesn’t make it any less dumb.

Here’s what happened in the first, oh, 200 pages.  Rachel had a lunch with her father, whom she dislikes.  Rachel goes to work and is ordered to meet the president.  She meets the president and goes to an undisclosed location.  She meets a bunch of scientists, decides that their findings appear to be valid, and reports this to the White House staff.  Before the findings go live, there is a debate between Senator Sexton, Rachel’s father, and the POTUS’s representative (the senator is making a bid for the White House).  This all sounds WAY more exciting than it actually is.

Much of this time is spent traveling.  We find out that Rachel is afraid of water- just open water.  She probably can’t take baths, that’s how afraid she is.  Oh, and her mother tragically died. Look I read the whole book and that’s still about all I know about her: her father is a character so one dimensionally evil he makes Snidely Whiplash look complex; she’s afraid of water because she nearly died in a frozen pond when she was 7; and her mother died because- hang on I forgot.  *checks book*

Okay, so get this.  Here’s how her mother died: Rachel couldn’t make it home for Thanksgiving, she was stuck at an airport.  Her father also didn’t make it home.  He made some excuses but he was probably with another woman.  So her mother was all alone on Thanksgiving and decided to take the food to her sister’s house so it wouldn’t go waste, and died in a car crash.  Cue the Linking Park: CRAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIN

Anyway, a lot of build up is centered around this whole ‘what did NASA find in the Arctic Circle?’ question, and the straight answer is that they found a meteorite that may have complex alien life on it.  Which was a little disappointing when I read it.  The build up was huge, and people were getting killed over… trilobites.

So why was Rachel Sexton, Data Analyst, dragged to the middle of the Arctic Circle in a very Secret Squirrel type manner?  Because the President of the United States wanted her to ‘gist’ the information as WELL as vet it to his household staff, because if the daughter of his opponent endorsed it then his staff would believe it and they’d get a boost in morale.

This is a weak-ass premise for getting her where he wanted her.  He couldn’t actually have her do this on TV because the President is a Good Guy, but because we have to believe that the President might be Behind All This, the President has to do something slightly sleazy to earn some of that distrust.  Like send his opponent’s daughter into the wilds of the Arctic without telling her what he wants out of her first. It’s actually pretty out of what becomes his character, later.

The first half of the book also does an annoying thing.  The big secret about life in the meteorite isn’t revealed until later.  When Rachel asks the POTUS straight up what she’s being sent to see he says something like “Oh I can’t tell you, you have to see it for yourself.”

No, no she doesn’t, and this is a false way of trying to insert dramatic tension.

So, the real kicker is that the meteorite is not a real meteorite, it was planted there by the NSA (and Rachel’s boss, because the Mentor Always Did It in Dan Brown novels)  and then the people who knew about it and discovered it originally were killed (hence an unneeded scene of military men pushing sled dogs and a guy out of a helicopter) and then NASA took credit for a discovery they didn’t know was faked.  The military group thing answered to the guy in charge of NASA.  When all this went down, Rachel (for reasons I cannot begin to fathom) faxed all the information to her father.  Senator Sexton twirled his mustache and planned on releasing everything on the news, when his Intern subplot blew up in his face.

To make a long story short (too late!) the POTUS remains the POTUS, the senator revealed that he was having an affair with his intern and got his come-uppance, Rachel got her non-chemistry on with the Romantic Cardboard Cutout, and we all lived happily fuckin’ after.

This book lacks all of the things Dan Brown does well and is sort of a catalog of all his bad writing habits.  While the Langdon books seem contrived, they at least tend to have the fall back of their being a big overall conspiracy.  In this book there were three or four different little conspiracies running simultaneously, and one of them only worked if Rachel was somehow involved.

And while of course that’s the way it works, she’s not actually central to the plot in any way.  Langdon is generally central to the plot.  In the DaVinci Code, for example, he is summoned because his name was written on the floor.  He was dragged into the plot somewhat unwillingly but there is at least a valid reason for him being there in the first place- he’s accused of murder.  Sophie is a bit more of a stretch- but she wasn’t actually sent there.  She happened across the information and showed up.  If Langdon had been put in jail because Sophie didn’t catch it, I have the feeling she’d have busted him out of jail and the plot would have continued- the plot of that book had some inevitability to it.

Also, for all that seemed to be going on in this book, it sort of… wasn’t.  When they were chased onto a iceberg that broke into the ocean and were rescued in a ridiculous manner my first thought was ‘oh thank god’ because something I found interesting was actually happening.

So yeah, annoying and a little boring pretty much sums it up.  Oh well, on to the next book!

General observations:

#1: At least once per show the ‘hardcore’ Mom has to say “If she says she never wants to do pageants again, we’ll never do pageants again.”  Generally she also says “Even though it’d destroy me.”  Bonus points if the kid has been completely unenthusiastic about this pageant or is throwing a full on screaming tantrum in the background.

#2: At least once per episode there has to a Mom talking about how much her kid loves doing the Pageants whilst said child is throwing an epic fit about some part of the pageant.

#3: The kid has to say something at least once per episode that sounds really, really rehearsed.  Sometimes it’s “I really love pageants” but it varies.

#4: Dads who are largely uninvolved (there are some who start out very involved) generally will eventually compare Pageantry to sports, which is because I think it’s their only real basis for comparison.  Bonus points if the Dad also mentions that he was unsure about pageantry at first.

#5: Someone has to mention the cost of pageantry, which is apparently significant.

Things I learned:

There are apparently two different types of pageants.  There are the ‘all-natural’ pageants where makeup and big shiny dresses are a no-go, and there are the ‘glitz’ pageants where the kids get the makeup, false eyes, false teeth (for little girls who have lost some front teeth), false hair, spray tans- the whole works.  There are also some pageants who encourage both categories, and so you can see a girl with no makeup next to a girl with the works, which is a little weird.

More thoughts:

The other problem with the pageant thing is that kids can really sense how mom and dad are feeling.  I have a friend who has three awesome little girls and he says that nobody will ever know you as well as your kids do- and I think he’s right.  When the parent says to the camera “Well, she did okay, she did her best, but she could have been better,” and then turns around and compliments the kid, you can tell that the kid doesn’t feel it.  Kids who have six ribbons, four trophies, three crowns burst into tears because they know Mommy’s upset they didn’t win the Grand Poobah title or whatever.

There were a few gems to be found.  One mom in episode 2 or 3 was not into the glitz, and wouldn’t have her girl’s makeup or anything done.  The girl picked out a dress, and when the crinoline that was supposed to go under it bothered her, they took the crinoline off and wouldn’t force her to wear it.  Later on, another mom had entered her daughter, but when it came time to do the actual show, the little girl kicked and screamed  She wouldn’t put the dress on, and when they tried to pull the dress on her she got more upset.  Her Mom pulled her out of the show.  I wanted to cheer them on for not taking the whole thing too seriously.

Public Service Announcement:

Most of these parents aren’t evil, they love their kids.  And it’s easy to vilify them- pageant moms get a lot more bullshit thrown their way than sports parents of many stripes.  Having grown up with my brother being in football from like 7 to 12 and my Dad coaching the team most of that time, I can tell you that there are a lot of similarities- those pageant parents who draw that conclusion are very right.  And while being in a pageant is a little weird and the makeup makes kids look a little creepy, I think football is probably more harmful- physically it is for sure.

During my brother’s tenure in Kiddie Football: Arms got broken, ligaments were torn and injured, ambulances were called to the field for dehydrated kids and kids with head injuries.  My brother has a permanent knee injury from football.  Most of the kids he played football with got hurt some way or another, and while everyone wanted their kids to go into football professionally, very few of the kids on his kiddie team still play.  We’ve been able to find 1 who made it to college ball.  People will say ‘that’s all part of the game’ and that’s fair- but are spray tans and wigs in pageantry.  I’m not defending it, I’d rather my kids not do either until they’re old enough to drive themselves to it, at least- I’m just saying there are definitely similarities.

I have heard this pageantry stuff called abuse.  Maybe this will make some people mad, I don’t know- but the bottom line is I have seen real abuse in action in more than one case.  I have seen it firsthand, and while I recognize that it comes in many forms, I can’t come down on parents who love their kids who make choices that I personally wouldn’t.  Mostly because it’s a big damn world and we’re all going to make choices someone else wouldn’t make in the name of doing right for our kid, and that doesn’t make us a monster.  There are real monsters who don’t care about their children and do horrible, horrible damage to those kids, mentally AND physically.  So it’s a choice I don’t agree with, and I think most of them (football parents, pageant parents, cheer leading parents, baseball parents) take it all too seriously, I understand that they want their child to do well and maybe have a career out of some natural talent.  Not evil.

Finally…

What?  Oh, the show: well the show lives up to it’s promise, does what it says on the tin.  Drama and sparkles ahoy.  The show will make most people angry and I try to avoid things that make me angry in general, but your mileage may vary.