I am not tall.

When I was young, though, I was told I would be.  I was a tallish kid.  I had been a very tall toddler, and they said I’d be close to six feet tall.

I wasn’t told this in the vague ‘it’s a prediction’ way, I was told this as a stone cold fact all the time by my mother growing up.  I would be an Amazon, and when I hit my real growth spurt I’d grow out of my baby fat.  Now, keep in mind, I wasn’t a tubby child.  I didn’t have a tummy more than any of the other little girls, and when we started doing sit ups in gym I got some real definition.  I walked to school every day, and mom described me and my brother as ‘fruit bats’.  I still am one- I hurt fruit when it’s around.  Forget the ice cream, give me a pint of blackberries and look away, if you know what’s good for you.

So I want to point out that I wasn’t really too heavy.  I had bad acne even before puberty, due to chronically oily skin, but I wasn’t heavy.  I wasn’t the the tallest or roundest girl in my group of friends, either- I was stocky, but there were other girls who were stockier.  Popular girls, even.

But I would one day grow up and become this amazingly beautiful woman.

This may be why I had a crisis of ‘what the fuck’ when I started college straight out of high school at 5’4″ and 270 lbs.

I have a friend who has a kid who is growing up a lot like I did (size-wise), and he keeps talking about what an Amazon she’s going to be.  I keep mentioning that people used to say the same thing about me, and he will sometimes shut up for a second.

I was told that one day I would grow up and be a tall, skinny, beautiful woman, and that never happened.  It took me years to come to term with this.  I don’t think this friend understands why I get a little upset when I hear him talking about it.  I love his kids, I do not want her to get big like me, or be my height.  It’s a rough thing to deal with, and she’s got a hard family life (split up parents and other weirdness) and I’d be happy if she DID get tall and became the described Amazon.

I just don’t want her to ever think that the shoes she was supposed to fill are empty.  I don’t want her to think she’s still just a fucking ugly duckling who’ll never be the Swan.