To Those Who Are In Charge:

I know that there are a lot of things being revived now. The 80’s are back in a big way, and so is taking everything that was ever done and trying to make a buck off of it. I know it’s only a matter of time before you come across the Labyrinth, see the kind of cult following it still has, and hope to make a buck or two.

1: Don’t remake it. I don’t care if you’ve got someone really great to play Jareth, there’s only one man in existence who can appear in a puff of glitter, rock 80’s hair and tight pants, and still look completely menacing. Anyone else is just an insult. (I know this is the more likely of the two options, and it makes me sad.)

2: If you do a sequel, please please PLEASE remember that most Labyrinth fans are adults now. The movie was released in 86, and while there are younger fans, most of us who would watch anything with the nostalgia goggles on are going to be between 20 and 30. The Labyrinth was a bit dark for a kid’s movie, and I think it could stand being darker as a sequel.

3: Whatever you do, avoid the fuck out of CGI. I know, it’s hard to make a movie without it, but at least (for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) avoid any quirky sidekicks that are digital. This is rarely done well, you can do better with little people in a costume or muppets. Yes, muppets. And hey, it’s cheaper! I know you’re not going to do more than give it a pittance of a budget, so this is a good thing.

4: If you’re doing a sequel, try your damndest to bring back David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly for their respective roles. If you can’t, edit them out of the movie, or find a DAMNED good reason for them to look different.

5: Please remember that a lot of us love this movie dearly. I know that there’s a lot of ‘bottom-lining’ it in the industry and you don’t care what it looks like as long as you make a few quick bucks off raping someone’s childhood, but I think the Christopher Nolan Batman films have proven that you make a whole shitload of movie if you actually do the franchise with respect and integrity in mind. There’s not anyway that any Labyrinth sequel would make quite the same amount of money, but it’d make more if you give it respect than if you just churn one out.

6: Also, don’t touch Princess Bride. Don’t go there. I’ll cut you.

Your friend,

Bethany the Martian