It’s been a little over a year since my friend Mike died.  I’ve done a lot- I got back into school.  I brought my grades up, I made straight A’s.   We got some of Greg’s debts paid off, we’re doing things.  We are going to the Screw Attack Gaming Convention here in July and we’re really excited about it.  Things are good here, better than they’ve been since Greg and I got together.

And when the anniversary of Mike’s death came up, I had a lot of long sleepless nights.  I didn’t even connect it to Mike at first, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just lay down and go to sleep.  I get strange bouts of insomnia, but when I realized it was the beginning of June I put two and two together.

Since school got out I haven’t driven by the apartment complex he lived in- I don’t go that way unless I’m driving up to school.  About a week ago I was out driving around and drove over there.  I drove through his apartment complex.  I don’t know why.  Probably the same reason some people pick at scabs.

I don’t know what I was expecting, either.  His apartment to be gone, the handicapped sign out in the space out front to be missing, all of his stuff sitting outside and staring at me.  I remembered I had a few of his books, I had borrowed them and they hadn’t made their way back before he died.

Mike had worked with this other guy to make a big, four foot long model of the Titanic, and I wondered where it went.  Did his brother get it? Or did they just throw everything out?

Then I had to pull over and cry for a few minutes.

My brother and his girlfriend are having a baby, and Mike would be ecstatic.

It’s the hideous thing about life- there are no do-overs.  You can start again, you can get a second chance sometimes, but once something has happened, it’s happened.  Every moment that bleeds into the past is gone, and all you can do is use the next one better.  When someone is dead, you don’t get to tell them the good news and see them light up.  You don’t get to lean on them and let them help you feel better, you don’t get to see them on graduations or birthdays.

People say that ‘infinity’ is a hard concept for people to understand.  I think that never is harder to grasp.