So occasionally when I’m on twitter and feeling bored I’ll live-tweet watching really bad horror movies, mostly for my own personal amusement.  Last night someone recommended that I archive them someplace, and thought: Well, why not?  So here we are.

Last night’s feature was Chain of Souls.  It was a movie about a Satanic Cult posing as a movie casting company who would hold auditions, and then kidnap young girls and kill them as part of some ritual or another, claiming it gave them power over life and death.  And trust me, that’s a lot more interesting than the movie actually turned out being.  There was some side-plot stuff, about one of the girls and her sister finding her, but the pattern was: girl enters theater, girl gets captured. Girl escapes for a moment, girl gets captured again, girl is killed by cult.  That happened about 8 times during the course of the movie, maybe more.

Anyway, here are the tweets from last night.  Since I feel like this is a lazysauce way to go about it, I’m going to go ahead and provide additional commentary at the end.  Because that’s how I roll.  I also will be working on some of the others I can find, and may turn this into a more common feature.  Because I’m not using this for anything else.

MartianBethany: it is once again time for shitty horror movie night with your favorite martian

MartianBethany: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0289108/ The movie is called Chain of Souls.

MartianBethany: I’m pretty sure the project movies we made in high school had better production.

MartianBethany: I’m pretty sure that I’m a better actress than this lady. And, no kidding, that’s SAYING something right there.

MartianBethany: This movie apparently uses the finest of Geocities ‘97 midis for the soundtrack

MartianBethany: “No one in Podunk, Texas cares about my acting.” Lady, I don’t care about your damn acting.

MartianBethany: Also FAKEST TEXAS ACCENT EVER Y/Y/Y? Jesus. I lived there for ten years.

MartianBethany: HEY THE BIG GUY KEEPS GRABBING YOU MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE DUMMY

MartianBethany: Bad Guy: How many people know you’re here? Nobody? Why that’s exactly what I want! Girl: What? Does that mean I get the part?

MartianBethany: Audio sync is way off.

MartianBethany: These badguys can’t tie a knot worth a good god damn.

MartianBethany: Oh god, I thought she was joking. The town she’s from is actually supposed to be “podunk”

MartianBethany: Like, literally.

MartianBethany: You know a movie is classy when one of the girls has a light blue latex top. #classy

MartianBethany: That actress could ALMOST act. It’s so sweet.

MartianBethany: The lead bad guy looks like some guy who owns and runs a gym. Fake tan and all.

MartianBethany: The sound is REALLY bad. She’s running and there are all these panting noises. You know how in some porno movies, they insert fake moans-

MartianBethany: -over whatever sound is going on? All of the sound in this movie sounds like this. It’s badly synced, and it’s too loud for the situation.

MartianBethany: I’m pretty sure that this girl is stealing my style from when I was in the sixth grade.

MartianBethany: Oh my god the necklace looks like some toy that came in a princess dress up set.

MartianBethany: Oh, btw, plot: girls try out for parts with a certain director, girls get killed. There’s other stuff but I can’t be assed.

MartianBethany: And now we have requisite ‘police are unhelpful bastards’ scene.

MartianBethany: This lady needs pants that actually fit.

MartianBethany: I’m pretty sure I could pull off better video with my camera and a set of barbie dolls. No, really.

MartianBethany: Everyone in this movie suffers from assholeitis.

MartianBethany: Oh and idiot-itis. Jesus why am I watching this again?

MartianBethany: OH HAI CAMERA GUY’S SHADOW.

MartianBethany: Satanic cult? What?

MartianBethany: Oh, wow, she’s a good web-surfer! She has clearly conquered the tricky world of GOOGLE!

RiathePinkie: @MartianBethany Well you know how hard Googling is. It takes forever to figure out because it’s just so complex.

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie She r smert

MartianBethany: Also haven’t we gotten past the whole ’satanic cults are evil’ thing? Because I’d buy a cthulu cult over this.

MartianBethany: I call bullshit, it’s easy to escape from the trunk of late model ford.

MartianBethany: Modern cars have emergency trunk releases.

MartianBethany: The costume department of this movie should probably be taken out and dragged through the mud.

MartianBethany: This movie has been a long succession of: enter theater, get captured by goons, die.

MartianBethany: YOU’RE BOTH FREE RUN YOU IDIOTS

MartianBethany: Man if they were gonna stick around that long they shoulda picked up the cinderblock and finished off Thug #1 before they left.

MartianBethany: The power of this pact is apparently power over life and the heavy use of polyester.

MartianBethany: Least convincing hospital ever y/y?

MartianBethany: Oh wow it is a real hospital, it’s just the set stuff they put on it that made it fake. Wow.

MartianBethany: Obvious twist ending is obvious. /sigh

MartianBethany: Okay, well, that movie was awful. I believe it is time for me to retire and get some rest.

So, having done some research I have found two astoundingly good reviews of this movie: astounding because the acting was less convincing than most bad softcore porn movies.  The ‘Texan’ accent on what’s-her-name was terribly fake sounding.  The actress who played the older sister pulled it off a little better because she wasn’t trying quite so hard, but there were moments where it was clear that either the older sister was being played by someone who A: wasn’t entirely sure what a Texan accent was or B: is from Europe.  (I checked IMDB- definitely the first one.)

There was one actress in the movie who actually seemed to have talent- she went full on snotty bawling when the bad guys had her tied up, and looked genuinely in distress- but overall the acting varied from ‘meh’ to ‘bloody awful’.

The sound in this movie was awful, if I hadn’t mentioned it for the 800th time.  The sync seemed just a little off, and there are one or two places where I’m certain that they filmed a scene and when they went to do ADR (and the whole movie was ADR I swear to god) they changed the line.  The sound balance was bloody terrible.  I know they did this on a pretty non-existent budget but I’m still pretty certain I could have produced better quality stuff.

The movie tries to pull off several twists, but I knew they were occurring before they actually happened.  I didn’t even mention them because they were so lame.  The diner that the actresses tend to gather at, right next to the theater the cult maintains, is full of cult people.  One of the cops is a cultist as well.  And the guy in all black, who pretended to not know anything and then did know something and is ‘accidentally’ responsible for half of what happened in the movie.  Surprise surprise, he’s a cultist.  I wouldn’t have been surprised if the surviving ‘working actress’ had ALSO been a cultist.

I am also unsure as to what the aspiring actresses actually, like, do.  I mean, I get that they are auditioning and crap, but it’s pretty clear that they’re not getting work.  One of the girls was a waitress in Texas, but none of them seem to actually have jobs.

I do take it back about the soundtrack- they were composed as midis and someone decided to class it up and use that music, but played it on a piano (or fed it through a filter to make it sound like a piano- in fact, that’s more likely).

The plot itself seems like it could have a few moments- outsiders claim the cult is Satanic, but the cultists never say for sure, so it could be a Lovecraftian cult as well.  However, the cultists are extremely incompetent.  Almost every woman they kidnap gets up and runs away at one point or another, and every time she’s kidnapped by a cultist who moves faster than possible.  Which would be a bit creepy if any of that mystique was expanded upon.  Instead it just comes across as plot convenience.

PS: I used my awesome web-surfing skills, and there is no Podunk, Texas. There are a billion other tiny Texas towns to use, so they MADE UP one.  Cool.

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