This movie I started drinking just a little during.  Just a touch.  It was about a House- or perhaps a necking spot, I’m not sure- which was haunted by an evil spirit.  There were 4 main kids who were going to spend the night in this haunted house for reasons I don’t recall.  Fittingly, hijinks ensue.

As a side note, I have rearranged the order of some of the conversation tweets, so they flow better.  On twitter you can just click it and see what I was replying too, but since this is just straight text I decided to do some minor editing.

MartianBethany: Hell House: The Book of Samiel

MartianBethany: Oh good now we get the INFOBARF story. EXCEPT HE STOPS TELLING THE STORY IN THE MIDDLE WTF. Jesus just get it out of the way.

MartianBethany: Oh they’re intercutting two people telling this story. Badly.

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany What’s it about… What’s it about?

MartianBethany: .@HiroOdan Two kids were necking, girl’s dad flips his lid and kills them both.

MartianBethany: It’s a haunted necking spot! No, really.

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany And now the two lovers seek revenge by killing other kids?

MartianBethany: @HiroOdan Supposedly the DAD kills other kids who neck, I dunno.

MartianBethany: That story did NOT need a 10 minute build up.

MartianBethany: Oh wow the music is BAD. Like, 80’s movie bad.

MartianBethany: The music is louder than the voice track now. HELLO, I CAN’T HEAR THE ACTORS. Not that it’s that big a deal, but.

MartianBethany: Okay, so there’s a group of H.S./College aged idiots who’re being idiots, and a couple who are also… news anchors? And the news people-

MartianBethany: -are reporting on the 10 year old incident, for some reason? Then the camera guy gets possessed by the evil spirit. The news anchors start-

MartianBethany: Having sex, the guy going down on the girl, the possessed camera guy comes in and SUFFOCATES THE GUY ON THE GIRLS TWAT WHAT?

MartianBethany: Then he brains the girl with the camera and sets them all on fire- including himself.

MartianBethany: Apparently the girl, in the throes of sexual extasy, did not hear the camera dude walk into her motel room and didn’t notice her boyfriend-

MartianBethany: Ecstasy sorry I can’t spell. Didn’t notice her boyfriend suffocating either. WHAT THE HELL.

MartianBethany: Aaaaaaand gratuitous boobies ahoy. Well, that took longer than ThanksKilling at least.

MartianBethany: Whoa, uh, I don’t know what just happened. Not in a THAT WAS SO COOL way but in a “Really, no, what happened.”

MartianBethany: Psychic lady is talking to her cat. She’s clearly psychic because she knows the kids are coming to ask her about the house.

MartianBethany: She tells the cat: “Virgil, shit like this is why we never had kids.” What the hell? Also, way to be a bitch.

MartianBethany: Is the… Nice Girl psychic or something? I think she’s having Visions.

MartianBethany: oh, our cast is: Nice Girl, Nice Girl’s BF, Slutty Girl, Slutty Girl’s BF (aka Asshole).

MartianBethany: Dani = Nice Girl; Paul = Nice Girl’s BF; Steve = Asshole; Sasha = Slutty gal. Somehow…. Paul’s dad got trapped in the house?

MartianBethany: There’s a little boy, and a book? I don’t even know. The music is still hella loud for whatever reason.

MartianBethany: And the psychic is upset the kids did what she told them not to. Because being a flaming cunt keeps people from doing things.

MartianBethany: Okay… suddenly I’m getting a lesbian vibe…

MartianBethany: OH WOW THE GIRLS ARE WAY GOING FOR IT. Also, whoo more gratuitous boobie.

MartianBethany: There’s also a scooby doo vibe: they go in one door, evil spirit pops out another. ZOINKS

MartianBethany: Oh wow. You know when you’re listening to a song that may or may not be illegally downloaded, and you hear a Windows noise?

MartianBethany: Totally just heard that IN THE SOUNDTRACK. What?

MartianBethany: So, the Asshole has a bug freakout. Now Sasha is going to take a bath. I assume Sasha dies first, because she is both the Slutty Archetype-

MartianBethany: -on top of being black. Individually these things don’t bode well in horror movies. BUCK THE TREND! Kill the white guy first!

MartianBethany: Also she’s now alone, naked, in the bath, and masturbating. Those are also things that get you killed in horror movies.

MartianBethany: AH HAHAHAHAH she totally just whipped out this big pink vibrator that’s awesome.

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany She must survive!

MartianBethany: @HiroOdan I know, right? I hope she does!

MartianBethany: Oh, wow, she survived the bath scene. I’m… honestly way surprised.

MartianBethany: Whoa… okay aside from the two news anchors in the beginning, we now have a dead… Psychic? All white. *nods* All right, then.

MartianBethany: So the dad from the urban legend did not just flip out, but killed his kid and her boyfriend to serve… his Dark Master? Well, kay.

MartianBethany: Steve is taking off his pants in the angriest way possible. He is stripping HUFFILY.

MartianBethany: And now he’s having a dream about the dead psychic? With Kenny G in the background? WHAT?

MartianBethany: Whoa, I think Steve just bit it! Go Sasha!

MartianBethany: What? What? Sasha’s cutting herself! No! Stop it Sasha! Bad girl! You gotta live, you’re the only cool one!

MartianBethany: What… what just happened? Did he kill his own father? What? How did that happen? Where’s Sasha? Is she okay?

MartianBethany: Okay, the psychic isn’t dead. Sasha appears to be alive, so far. But… Paul is the virgin sacrifice. Huh.

MartianBethany: And Dani stabbed herself so the others could live. So everyone lives but the Nice girl? I… confess myself pretty shocked.

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany That was nice of her to die for everyone. 🙂

MartianBethany: Ooof except the Psychic. The psychic just got brained with a 2×4.


MartianBethany: So it was an okay movie until they do a FUCK YOU EVERYONE DIES CREDITS ROLL.

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany The psychic?

MartianBethany: .@HiroOdan The psychic died at the house. Everyone else was driving away in the car. Dani (dead) sits up, snaps Paul’s neck and crashes the-

MartianBethany: .@HiroOdan car. ROLL CREDITS.

MartianBethany: And I’m still not entirely sure what was going on during that movie.

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany Maybe Sasha survived.

MartianBethany: @HiroOdan I hope so but I think it was a “rocks fall, everyone dies” kind of ending.

MartianBethany: That movie, I’ll admit, was MUCH better than the ‘cover’ in Netflix led me to believe. I’m a bit bummed.

The sound had issues- the music wasn’t great, and at points the soundtrack was waaaaay too loud and drowned out the actors.  The acting was about par for this kind of film- not great but a little better than one would expect.  In retrospect it wasn’t a bad movie.

Most of the time when I thought someone had been killed, they’d been bludgeoned with a 2×4, which CAN kill you and I just assumed the worst when they were dragged off, so it’s not SURPRISE EVERYONE YOU THOUGHT WAS DEAD LIVES when they saw them all later, they genuinely were ambiguously missing instead of for sure dead.  I just took them for dead because they were brained with a big plank and dragged off.  The point I’m trying to make was that the movie was not pulling a fake out on us, I was just mistaken.

I would have liked the movie better if I could have understood a great portion of it better.  Several things happened that I didn’t actually get.  At one point the character Paul’s father enters the haunted house- presumably to stop Paul and the others from their haunted sleepover- and… the house eats him?  I don’t know, there was a big flash of psychedelic light and then nothing, and I’m not sure what it meant.  At some point Paul’s dad showed up and I’m pretty sure Paul killed him, but I’m not 100% clear on what happened.  It’s a pattern.

There are some interesting things in this movie.  The first person killed in the actual narrative was death by twat smothering, which I find so very unlikely as to be laughable but jeez how many times do you get to write ‘death by twat smothering’?  The movie did not kill off the ethnic or slutty character first (that would have been the same person, but still).  She made it all the way to the end, which I was pretty happy about.  Paul, the Nice Guy, was actually the virgin sacrifice instead of the Nice Girl.  Nice Girl figures it out, and kills herself to save everyone else (until the OH SNAP SHE WASN”T DEAD part where she sits up and stabs Paul and then the car crashed, fin).  Oh and the psychic, while a bitch, isn’t just a useless “oh I see this” type, she starts throwing around power like she knows what she’s about at one point.

There are things I like about this movie, and I think that the plot had potential.  They needed a bit more budget- the effects were pretty bad, and they could have used probably a bit more time to film and work out some bugs- but all in all it was really not as bad as it could have been, and had some pretty solid ideas.  Or maybe I was drunker than I though. Hard to tell.