cmdrsue:@MartianBethany you need a hashtag. #badmovietweet is too long. #bmt seems to already mean something. #MBbmt seems free but not fun.

She’s right, and I’ve got nothing.  If anybody has any ideas, tweet at me or leave a comment below.

The movie Room 6 is about a woman who is in a car accident with her long term boyfriend, who just proposed to her that morning.  He’s taken away in an ambulance and they won’t let her ride with him, and none of the hospitals in the area have him.  The man in the other car is played by Jerry O’Connell, and his sister was taken to the same hospital.  They run around for a while, she sees a few demons (and doesn’t consider that she may have been injured herself in the accident, which might be resulting in hallucinations) and a couple of people who help her out know her name.

In the end the hospital her boyfriend was taken to had burnt down years ago, Jerry O’Connell was evil and trying to stop her, and she saved her boyfriend from being cut up while still conscious to wake up in a car crash and realize she’s dying and it’s a test it’s all a test.

/sigh

The tweets:

MartianBethany: I think I’m going to start with Room 6 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0451187/

MartianBethany: Mostly because I think Nine Dead looks like it has better production values and I like progressing into better looking films as things go.

MartianBethany: …as soon as my xbox finishes downloading new updates.

MartianBethany: Here’s the Netflix blurb on Room 6: “When her boyfriend is seriously injured in a car accident, Amy is forced to confront her lifelong fear-

MartianBethany: of doctors and hospitals. Trouble is, the facility he was reportedly taken to doesn’t exist, at least not in the clinical sense.”

MartianBethany: I think they mean “technical sense” but whatever.

MartianBethany: Okay we start with our lead (who looks familiar) being operated on while she’s awake.

MartianBethany: …and it’s a dream. What a shock. Her acting leads something to be desired, to be honest.

MartianBethany: This is stupid but I swear the poptarts she just pulled out of the toaster were not toasted.

MartianBethany: Okay, so her boyfriend is proposing to her and she’s all ‘hey that’s awesome! see you later sweetie!” as she runs out the door.

MartianBethany: Amy is a teacher. Little girl is having nightmares, and being generally creepy. Little girl looks really familiar too…

MartianBethany: Oh, hey, apparently the little girl is the one who plays Hit Girl.

MartianBethany: BF picks her up (I think his name is Nick but I swear to nothing) and they get t-boned. Huh, there’s Hit Girl again, being creepy.

MartianBethany: There was another couple in the car accident, and his girlfriend/wife whatever is going to the same hospital as Amy’s BF.

MartianBethany: Oh, whoops, his sister I guess. Still, here’s my prediction: both people sent to the hospital are dead, Amy and what’s his name hook up.

MartianBethany: Oh and she had a big hallucination while looking at the crowd, guy looks like the drawing the little girl made over.

MartianBethany: Oh god his name is Nick van Dyke. #noreally

MartianBethany: But lady, clearly that is a hallucination because you hit your head in the car accident, and you need a doctor.

MartianBethany: Wow she’s totally just sitting there talking to herself.

MartianBethany: They keep going to the hospital where Nick is and it’s just waaaay cheesy in every scene. “we’re evil, did you know we’re evil? cuz we are.”

MartianBethany: None of the hospitals in the area have Nick, shock of shocks. And she has a freak out.

MartianBethany: WHOA ATTACK OF THE FREAKY HOMELESS DUDE! His face changed and he had red eyes.

MartianBethany: “I’m just gonna go home and wait until tomorrow.” What? Why would you do that? Your bf of four years just disappeared in an ambulance!

MartianBethany: Call the police! Even if he doesn’t want to talk to you for whatever reason, and that’s why nobody will tell you where he is, at least they-

MartianBethany: -can confirm he’s all right! and we’re back to Nick.

MartianBethany:  The scenes in the hospital are just stupid. Also, why doesn’t Lucas (other dude in car accident) seem worried at all about his sister?

MartianBethany: Lady! You were in a car accident! You’re seeing things! GO TO THE HOSPITAL YOU IDIOT!

MartianBethany: HitGirl’s mom just called to report that HitGirl wants to see Amy so she can help. Or ‘help’ I’m not sure.

MartianBethany: WHOA SHE JUST WOKE UP NEXT TO LUCAS WHAT?

MartianBethany: Ah also part of the dream, gotcha.

MartianBethany: I was wondering if she’d tapped that and we’d just missed it or something.

MartianBethany: And here we have another ‘useless cop’ scene. Excellent. What a stupid trope.

MartianBethany: Okay, Lucas, if you’re so damned concerned about her why don’t you take her to the hospital because she’s clearly seeing things!

MartianBethany: “You’re just as scared as I am.” Yes, because so far he’s acted like the paragon of fear and concern.

MartianBethany: Also, why are you two holding hands? Isn’t it a little soon for this lovey dovey stuff?

MartianBethany: Not ‘holding hands while sitting next to each other waiting’ but ‘as they’re walking away and talking’.

MartianBethany: The actresses who play the nurses in this movie are awful, like ‘soft core porn’ awful. JSYK

MartianBethany: Oh good lord speaking of soft core porn now they’re all stripping and kissing.

MartianBethany: And drinking blood and smearing it all over each other. So now we know why they’ve been taking so much blood. As if we wondered.

MartianBethany: Because all the heavy handed ‘they take so much blood it’s more like a hobby’ wasn’t obvious enough.

MartianBethany: Hello! Nick got smart and called Amy! And said absolutely nothing useful! And oh freaky ‘you can’t have him’ voice from the machine.

MartianBethany: Man if they were going to go with white trash they could have done a better job on the stereotype.

MartianBethany: And Hitgirl tells her that he’s at St. Rosemary’s, which the cop already mentioned. But because a pre-teen says it, now it’s valid.

MartianBethany: Also, I don’t think there is any actual Saint Rosemary. The creepy monster people are getting old, btw.

MartianBethany: “Are you all right child?” “No.” Most honest thing to be said in the film so far.

MartianBethany: Also, why am I not surprised that Amy is a lapsed Catholic? Helpful people know Amy’s name without having been told it.

MartianBethany: Bad people flash demonic faces. I’m reminded of a couple of different pieces of literature, all better than this.

MartianBethany: St. Rosemary’s is supposed to have burned to the ground years ago. Hang on gotta rewind

MartianBethany: My eyes glazed over when she said ‘destroyed years ago, many years ago, before you were born!’

MartianBethany: OH HEY AND NOW RUMORS OF DEVIL WORSHIP. “Blood rituals… to preserve eternal youth.”

MartianBethany: This lady has a great voice but the stuff she was reading was awful and stilted.

MartianBethany: “Hey wait!” *angrily* “My cats don’t wait to get hungry, so I don’t wait to feed them!” #lulz

MartianBethany: The people in the hospital, because I forgot to mention, are the same people from her hospital dream.

MartianBethany: How many more strange visions of blood are we going to have before you decide to go to the hospital?

MartianBethany: Hm, so, now Lucas is coming off as really creepy all of a suddn.

MartianBethany: Wow REALLY CREEPY what the hell man. I think when he says ‘more beautiful on the inside’ he means her internal organs.

MartianBethany: You know what Room 6 reminds me of? The hospital bits, anyway: it reminds me of a short story from Everything’s Eventual by Stephen King.

MartianBethany: The Little Sisters of Eluria. That’s what it reminds me of, the one about Roland with the nurses. The hospital bits, anyway.

MartianBethany: And now Lucas is giving exposition for whatever ~mysterious~ event that happened in Amy’s past.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany that sounds Stalkerish of Lucas…… “And then Amy did this as a child” LUCAS STOP DROOLING YOU PEDO

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Well he keeps having Demon Face so I’m assuming he’s undead.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany ohhhhh so he is a Pedobear Demon stalker, gotcha

MartianBethany: Except, of course, the fact that King’s story is much better.

MartianBethany: She stabs him in the stomach. Lucas takes it like the undead. Run Amy!

MartianBethany: Ah the Cab Driver of Deus Ex Machina.

MartianBethany: He was the cab driver who took her to the closest hospital in the beginning, and knew her name without asking.

MartianBethany: The hospital appears when lightning flashes. Well, that’s neat looking anyway.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany and not at all a sign of bad things to come

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann This movie *is* the bad thing to come.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Yes Jerry O’Connell has that effect on movies

MartianBethany: Nick’s in surgery, it’s identical to Amy’s dream in the beginning, including the dialog.

MartianBethany: “they have to know I’m awake, I’m awake” all that.

MartianBethany: and there were… zombies or something? Ghosts?

MartianBethany: Why would you even think of letting the nurses loose you idiot?

MartianBethany: She’s surrounded by all the former patients looking like burn victims and they just… stand there. Huh.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany if they start chanting “Are you my mummy” I would freak out

MartianBethany: They surround her again and… feel her up I guess. She’s completely unharmed. kay. Way to make that undangerous.

MartianBethany: .@Adamthemann Only if they’re wearing gas masks, though.

MartianBethany: And now she’s following her father’s voice? and she finally enters ROOM 6.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Wouldn’t want to leave that out. How else would you know what you were watching.

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS THIS WHERE AM I?

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Room 6! It’s ok they said the movie title.

MartianBethany: So at least we wedged the movie’s name in there. That’s good.

MartianBethany: Finally we have the flashback that shows whatever the mysterious thing happened.

MartianBethany: Is her father trying to convince his young child to kill him? What? Really? What the fuck? What the fucking fuck?

MartianBethany: Oh man I was hoping we were done with Lucas. If they’d quit putting makeup on him he’d be a bit creepier.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany yeah but no one ever thinks to make things creepier

MartianBethany: .@Adamthemann sadly true.

MartianBethany: She is not running very hard. This is the same problem I had with Wendy Torrance in the Shining.

MartianBethany: She runs, she bursts into the room to stop the surgery, screams STOP! And they… just do?

MartianBethany: Then the surgery suite bursts into flame.

MartianBethany: Quit watching him burn and run you idiots!

MartianBethany: She opens the door to this blinding bright light and he goes “are you sure?” SURE ABOUT WHAT RUN ALREADY!

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany But it’s so pretty.

MartianBethany: Oh and we’re back to the car accident and guess what they were both injured, she had a head injury.

MartianBethany: Let me guess- I have the movie paused now, they just looked at each other after the accident. So, here’s the guess-

MartianBethany: AND THE WHOLE THING WAS A DREAM OR WAS IT?

MartianBethany: Oh it was a test! it was all a test!

MartianBethany: Okay so Amy’s actually DYING and the little girl is apparently an Angel and she was being tested and what the fuck.

MartianBethany: You know the whole ‘it didn’t happen’ thing is just a fucking lazy way to end a story no matter how you do it.

MartianBethany: This movie was like they took Little Sisters of Eluria, the movie Constantine, and put it in a blender with Jerry O’Connell and suck

MartianBethany: Before blending they carefully trimmed all the cool parts out of Little Sisters of Eluria and Constantine.

MartianBethany: Yes, I said it: Keanu Reeves would have improved that movie.

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany and, well, that says it all doesn’t it?

The thing that pissed me off about this movie so much was that there was a lot of potential.  The plot kept throwing me off- none of my guesses were accurate at all, which is pretty uncommon.  But a movie needs to be more than just un-formulaic in order to be good.  The problems were many:

Why did Amy not even consider going to a hospital for herself?  Not even once?  I know, she’s afraid of doctors, but what the hell?  Nobody once suggests this to her, not the cab driver, not the people in the hospital she goes to looking for Nick.  Lucas doesn’t suggest it either- I realize he’s actually evil but he’s playing nice, shouldn’t he at least recommend she have someone take a look at her?

Also: at the end, we reveal that the entire movie was part of some test for Amy, and that Nick wasn’t there for/didn’t remember any of it.  So why-oh-why was so much of the movie dedicated to the cheesy hospital scenes?  First of all, the “I don’t know if Nick is all right” would have been much more affective if WE hadn’t known he was fine.  Secondly, the actresses who played the nurses were just god awful.  Soft core porn at it’s worst, I swear.  Secondly, the hospital scenes really were reminiscent (to me, anyway) of if someone had taken the short story Little Sisters of Eluria and somehow made it suck, then filmed it.

I hate it when someone is running on film and they’re just sort of… meh jogging.  I mean, it’s one thing if the scene is supposed to be them jogging or whatever, but if you are running to save your boyfriend’s life, wouldn’t you be going all out?  When I’m looking at your weird half-jog and going ‘okay, I can run faster than that’ you’re doing it WRONG.

This movie pissed me off.  The good v. evil bits were done with all the subtlety of a brick to the forehead.  The creepiest person in the whole movie?  The little girl! Who is supposed to be a good guy!  The implication is that HitGirl is an angel who is watching over and guiding Amy (as was the helpful and chatty cab driver, and some random lady she met at the library).

So yeah.  On the other hand, I see why HitGirl got the role in Let Me In.  So there’s that.

Special thanks to cmdrsue, Adamthemann, and riathepinkie for providing amusing commentary and keeping me sane. Also extra thanks for Sue, who has been promoting me to her many many followers and was the first person to suggest I archive the live tweets on my blog.

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