Okay, this ridiculous ass movie tried to rip off Saw lightly flavored with the Abominable Doctor Phibes, and failed.  The main plot is: Nine people are in a room, a person dies every ten minutes until they figure out why everyone was in the room.

I took suggestions on this one, so here who we have to blame for this:

xSmootx: @MartianBethany Nine Dead. Recently saw it and it was utterly horrible.

MartianBethany: Okay, so, we’re gonna go ahead and start here in a couple of minutes, and I just want to thank everyone who follows these and tweets back!

MartianBethany: I have so much fun doing these and I’m so glad other people enjoy them too. I’ve been kinda sick and this is really brightening my week up.

MartianBethany: Netflix blurb on Nine Dead: Nine strangers face the mind-bender of a lifetime when a hooded madman locks them in a basement and announces-

MartianBethany: -that he will slay one of them every 10 minutes until they uncover the mysterious connection they all share.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Wooooo sounds like Reverse Clue

MartianBethany: My predictions: I got nothing.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany My predictions: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie @MartianBethany i second the prediction but I sense comedy to ensue unintentionally of course

MartianBethany: Oh, wait, Melissa Joan Hart is the star. New prediction: Clarissa explains it all. Eh? Eh?

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Yes! Clarissa was awesome.

MartianBethany: Actually I likely think they all contributed to the death of this bad guy’s loved one, like the Abominable Dr. Phibes except not as cool.  (Martian Note: I HAD NOT STARTED THE DAMNED FILM. Just saying.)

MartianBethany: Okay, starting film now.

MartianBethany: Oh crap here’s the IMDB I forgot to start with it: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0959329/

MartianBethany: Opening credits: MYSTERIOUS PREPARATIONS ARE MYSTERIOUS. I’m serious, if this IS like the Abominable Dr. Phibes I’m gonna feel so bummed.

MartianBethany: Then: a strip bar. The owner is an OBVIOUS DOUCHE. May as well have it tattooed on his forehead.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Obvious Douche would be an awesome band name…

MartianBethany: .@riathepinkie Have you heard Obvious Douche’s new single, “Gonna Get Shot”?

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany No I hadn’t, but I really liked their earlier work off their album “Always the First to Die”. It was so moving.

MartianBethany: Who wants to be he’s our first victim? (Martian note: I type in a hurry, guys.)

MartianBethany: Who wants to *bet* he’s our first victim?

MartianBethany: Huh someone I don’t know just got pepper sprayed. Well.

MartianBethany: Ha bad guy preparation involves carving names into bullets. Well at least he’s thorough.

MartianBethany: The bad guy’s MO appears to be: taze victim to unconsciousness, put victim in trunk, tie them to beam in basement room.

MartianBethany: Melissa Joan Hart apparently works with the police or something. “You messed with the wrong woman, do you hear me?

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany YEAH, She is a witch

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann Psst wrong program!

MartianBethany: Now they have ten minutes to figure out what’s what and they’re…. all saying nothing.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Well /clearly/ they are communicating telepathically. It’s all part of that mysterious connection they have going.

MartianBethany: So one guy thinks it’s a set up by the cops. What? And there’s a priest.

MartianBethany: They accused the priest of being a child molester and the gay sounding guy admits to it. Way to be assholes, movie.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Oh they’re going the classy route! So refreshing to see that from this type of movie.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Sounds like an absurdly long set up to a joke.

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany unless he jumps up and yells, “I kick ass for the Lord!” he’s not my kind of priest.

MartianBethany: ….and they’re not talking again. Great. Oh Melissa Joan Hart is an Assistant District Attorney.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany @riathepinkie damn okay then she can explain it all

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann It’s what she does best. *nodnod*

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie now she just needs Sam to climb through her window

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann Everyone needs a Sam to climb through their window (hey you wouldn’t be arguing if Sam was short for Samantha.)
Adamthemann: @riathepinkie True I wouldn’t mind a Samantha climbing through my window

MartianBethany: We have drug dealers, child molestors, an ADA, a priest, a chinese lady, pimps?

MartianBethany: It *does* sound like a joke set up.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Yeah I’m going with set up for a joke on this one.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Hehehe! I win! At something…yeah.

MartianBethany: Oh and now a cop. I bet the Chinese lady runs a laundry, since this movie is running with the classy stereotypes.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Only the best finely aged stereotypes for this movie.

MartianBethany: First guy down, was not the obvious douche and wasn’t the pedophile. Huh.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany OK so now the movie is clearly screwing with my perception of reality. At least it’s not like that movie where the dog died.

MartianBethany: Oh our pedophile is also a child *killer* that’s fucking lovely.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Pleaselethimdienextpleasepleaseplease.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany that is just fucking wrong, the pedo child killer needs to die

MartianBethany: .@Adamthemann I just really object to the gay guy stereotype they’re using on this. That pisses me the fuck off.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Wait pedo child killer is gay? WAT.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany i can see why that would piss people off

MartianBethany: Black guy is a highly paid thief.

xSmootx: @MartianBethany I’d like to apologize in advance for any brain cells or IQ points you might lose once that movie’s over.

MartianBethany: @xSmootx This is all your fault. I blame you.

MartianBethany: Oh great so the ADA was having an affair with the cop. This is like a soap opera with death in another 8 minutes.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany So it’s like a soap opera…

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany All my children meets Saw oh boy this won’t end well

MartianBethany: Black guy escapes by having someone break his hand to get out of his handcuff and just leaves everyone behind. #classy

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany smart though, one escapes to get help

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann yeeeeeahhh that’s not why he was leaving them behind.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany well there goes my theory

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Black Well Paid Thief is now my favorite character.

MartianBethany: Gets shot and then dragged back in by bad guy. Well.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Huh he’s still my favorite character.

MartianBethany: Ladies and gentleman, the pedophile is dead.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany YES that piece of shit had it coming

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS well there goes my interest in the movie…

MartianBethany: Well paid black thief is next to die.

MartianBethany: He’s still alive but the man in the mask said he was next.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Well he’s already been shot.

MartianBethany: Ah the chinese lady knows the ADA because she was robbed, at her gas station. Well, at least it wasn’t a laundry.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany OMG breaking stereotypes!

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany O_O they broke the stereotype barrier, maybe there is hope for this movie yet

MartianBethany: Bad guy has been planning this for two years. I’m sure it must be they all were involved in killing his loved one.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Yeah he’s a regular batman.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany “I Know what you did 14 summers ago”

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany it would be more entertaining if they all had the same initials which he thinks is a message from our alien overlords.

MartianBethany: I really think the Abominable Dr. Phibes did this better. At least that movie had Vincent Price.

xSmootx: @MartianBethany Would’ve been awesome if none of them had anything in common and the bad guy was just yanking their chains

MartianBethany: @xSmootx That would improve this movie like a billion fold.

MartianBethany: Oh man the priest knows what happened and he won’t tell because it happened in confession.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Edge of seat suspense rite thar.

MartianBethany: Oh there was a robbery on the lady’s convenience store and the ADA prosecuted him, the lady identified the wrong guy.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany save everyone’s life or keep secrets…….keep secrets #darwinawardgoesto

MartianBethany: I hate this movie so much.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Embrace your anger *beats Palpatine down with a stick* WHO LET YOU OUT OF YOUR CAGE

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany I hate it too and I’m not watching.

MartianBethany: apparently they’re all connected on someone being wrongly sent to jail? God if it’s really that lame

MartianBethany: IT’S NOT WHO THEY THOUGHT IT WAS DUN DUN DUN oh for fuck’s sake

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany WHAT OMG OMG! *rolls eyes*

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany otherwise there would be no movie if there was no obvious twists and turns

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Aww I was hoping for supernatural hijinx… #iswaytoodisappointed

MartianBethany: So who wants to take bets that the Chinese lady who has only spoken Chinese so far actually speaks English?

xSmootx: @MartianBethany Or only in racial epithets and slurs.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Well duh, everyone speaks English. It’s just like a thing you know?

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany yeah that or she is the one who connects them all…….I spoiled the ending didn’t I

MartianBethany: Ah, you know, so far Obvious Douche is my favorite character

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany He makes such incredible music why wouldn’t he be your favorite character?

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany I am not watching but myfavorite character is Sabrina…..I mean Clarissa……I mean Melissa Jone Hart

MartianBethany: .@Adamthemann She’s kind of a raging cunt monster, to be honest. And not the good kind.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany yeah i figured she is a DA after all

MartianBethany: Apparently the ADA’s kid is actually the cop’s kid, even though she said it was someone else’s.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany DUN DUN DUN………What a twist

MartianBethany: Good lord what is all this soap opera bullshit. This isn’t a horror movie this is a fucking whine fest.

xSmootx: @MartianBethany Clarissa and Danny Bonaduce love child.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany give them some cheese

MartianBethany: I had your kid! I switched the hairs for the DNA! We need more time!

MartianBethany: Ahh and there goes Obvious Douche. *plays tiny violin*

MartianBethany: and then there were three.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany One of us is going to die!

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany 😦 RIP Obvious Douche you outlived the Black Guy and the Pedophile.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany okay give them a gun and have them play russian roulette

MartianBethany: So the ADA was raped by a guy and she beat him to death with a baseball bat.

MartianBethany: Well at least we’re keeping it classy.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Normally I’m against violence but I don’t mind that at all. Though WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK Rape as Backstory #gotohellmovie

MartianBethany: Oh good lord, the gay pedophile may have raped the kid in prison and gave him AIDS. Wooooooooow. #classy

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany that is just messed up movie

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Facepalming just doesn’t seem like enough now.

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie facedesk works

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann Yeah facedesk is a good one.

MartianBethany: And that really was the answer. Wow. I’m just… wow

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany was I right and unintentionally spoil the ending

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany … well thanks for wasting our time movie.

MartianBethany: And at the end the ADA snaps and kills everyone when he lets them go what the fuck.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany *siiiiiiiiigh* classy end to a classy movie. I should have stuck with the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany pressure was too much can not take *goes on rampage*

MartianBethany: Because you see, she committed a felony and nobody could possibly know. So instead of going free with everyone she kills them.

MartianBethany: I’ll bet there was a video recording the whole thing, too.

MartianBethany: I was right. Should have watched the Vincent Price movie.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany A deadman tells no tales

MartianBethany: Wow that was incredibly stupid.

MartianBethany: So, throw Saw and Abominable Dr. Phibes into a blender, removing the cool parts and throwing additional suck it- that was Nine Dead.

xSmootx: @MartianBethany Again, I’m sorry.

Okay, I’m gonna try to lay down how this worked out:  This small time petty thief guy borrowed money from the Obvious Douche (5 grand) on drugs.  Small Time Petty Thief Guy- ugh STPTG goes to jail before he can complete a deal to get the money back, so when he gets out of jail he buys a gun from the Well Paid Black Thief in order to commit a robbery at the old Chinese lady’s liquor store or whatever.  The Old Chinese Lady reports it to the police, who arrest a bunch of people, including Bad Guy’s Son (BGS).

BGS is innocent, but he looks like the STPTG (who wasn’t in the line up) and so she testifies that it was him who robbed her.  Clarissa (Sabrina, the ADA, whatever) was worried that she was going to lose her case and so she had her Cop Boyfriend help her replace some hairs so she had an airtight, slam-dunk case.  Meanwhile, STPTG goes to a priest and confesses that he committed the murder, but because priests believe that confessions are super duper completely 100%  confidential the priest tells nobody.

BGS goes to jail and there he meets the Sexual Predator, who rapes him.  The Sexual Predator has AIDS (REAL god damn classy) and so when BGS gets out of prison, he applies for an experimental AIDS medication.  The one nerdy guy who was keeping track of it all worked in pharmaceuticals at the time, and turned down BGS for the medication, so the BGS dies.

So, Chinese lady’s crime: identifying the wrong person in a line up.

Obvious Douche’s crime: loaning a dude five grand (as he protested more than once, he’s bought a bottle of liquor that cost more than 5 g)

Priests crime: not going to the police with STPTG’s crime

STPTG’s crime: not turning himself in, committing crime in the first place

ADA’s crime: framing BGS

Cops’s Crime: aiding in the framing of the BGS

Well paid black thief’s crime: selling a guy a gun

Sexual Predator’s crime: raping BGS and giving him AIDS

Nerdy dude’s crime: denying AIDs medication to someone who wasn’t qualified for it.

Some of those crimes are worth killing over.  An old lady who accidentally fingered the wrong guy?  Loaning someone five grand?  What if that had been STPTG’s mom, or a bank?  I mean, really guys.

This movie sucked so hard.  The whole thing felt so god-damned contrived.  It was definitely trying to play off Saw- the people locked in a room telling a drama- but that was actually interesting.  We cared about the characters, and the story they were telling was actually interesting.  This was contrived, there was additional storyline thrown in for filler, there were TWO rape stories (real classy), and a lot more silence than there needed to be.

Oh and a lot of talking.  Yeah.

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