Hellbound is a Chuck Norris movie which involves an evil demonic creature.  Who wouldn’t think that would be awesome?  I was hoping for lots of kicking ass and taking names.  Sadly it was highly disappointing.

MartianBethany:  Okay, now we’re starting Hellbound: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107101/

MartianBethany:  BTW according to IMDB Chuck Norris’ character is named Frank Shatter. Yeah, Frank Shatter.

MartianBethany:  We start with scrolling Star Wars text talking about an ancient evil and “From the West a shining knight.”

MartianBethany:  And now we’re… in the Crusades. I’ll be this is the only Chuck Norris movie to start in the Crusades.

MartianBethany:  BET I’ll BET dammit

MartianBethany:  Hm. So who wants to bed Chuck Norris- I’m sorry, Frank Shatter- is
the guy who is the Knight Incarnate?

MartianBethany:  Who wants to bet that I cannot spell the word bet EVER?

MartianBethany:  We’re still in the Crusades. It’s been, I dunno, five minutes and there is no Chuck Norris so far.

MartianBethany:  There is an evil undead dude they just locked in a tomb using holy blades as locks- apparently this coffin is built this way.

MartianBethany:  So they sealed the badguy in this chamber forever more and now… grave robbers are looking for loot. Like the shiny swords locking-

MartianBethany:  -the evil dude in his special evil coffin. “Let’s see what’s inside.” NO BAD IDEA RUN.

MartianBethany: “Who’s your supplier?” *insert fakest sounding punch noise EVER*

MartianBethany:  Also, this is the most obvious game of good cop/bad cop ever. Oh and we have an annoying sidekick!

cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany just gleaned some trivia from IMDB. Director was Aaron Norris. Yes… Chuck’s youngest brother.

MartianBethany:  @cmdrsue I saw the name and didn’t even think anything.

MartianBethany:  And now Jackson and Shatter *chuckle* are stopping a pimp from slapping one of his girls around.

MartianBethany:  The great undead evil who was released is… in Chicago with a prostitute in a swanky hotel. Kay.

MartianBethany:  The lines are so lame. “You call that a hit?” *fake punch sound* “THAT’S a hit.”

MartianBethany:  Whoa this old dude just attacked the great evil dude with the shiny sword lock. And… it didn’t work. Well if it had we wouldn’t-

MartianBethany:  -have a movie, I guess. Do you get any deader than having your heart ripped out? Poor old rabbi dude.

cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany assume you mean that literally, not figuratively. (heart ripped out)

MartianBethany:  Then the bad guy throws the prostitute out the WINDOW. Dude, if you weren’t going to pay her just leave. That’s uncalled for.

MartianBethany:  Ah and then someone calls the cops, which is how our intrepid Norris gets involved. And gets his ass kicked?

MartianBethany:  Jackson: “How could I see anything with you ontop of me?” me: O.O How indeed?

MartianBethany:  …and, angry cop Captain. So, um, glad we could keep that trope going.

MartianBethany:  Norris is in this cheesy blue suit and they both turned into horndogs when they met the professor’s young blond assistant.

MartianBethany:  Oh god he’s a Sergeant he’s Sergeant Shatter. Really. NO REALLY.

Michael_Henry_:  @MartianBethany Does he fuck shat up?

MartianBethany:  @Michael_Henry_ You won at making me speechless for a full minute.

MartianBethany:  Now Chuck is in a blazer and jeans, which is way less cheesy than the suit, somehow.

MartianBethany:  This is literally a car chase scene with no car chase. They’re just doing crazy and stupid shit in a car because… they can. I guess.

MartianBethany:  And now we have an angry Israeli police Captain. Why did they have to go to Israel again?

MartianBethany:  So that’s two angry cop captains for the price of one, but THIS one has a silly accent. (It wasn’t until after I typed this that I realize it could come off mean, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was that this was fucking trope abuse, and changing the accent doesn’t change the basic fact.)

MartianBethany:  Silly is not the correct term but I think the whole damn movie is silly.

cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany I assume the word you are searching for is “stupid.” The whole damn movie is stupid. #justaguess

MartianBethany:  @cmdrsue That too! It’s also idiotic and it’s getting BORING.

MartianBethany:  Why on earth would they go to Israel to answer questions? Wouldn’t the Israeli ambassador take care of this?

MartianBethany:  Or wouldn’t Israel send police to investigate the crime in America?

MartianBethany:  Also, I hope his sidekick DIES A FIERY DEATH
MartianBethany:  There was a little Israeli kid who I was VERY afraid was about to become the Little Kid Sidekick and I was gonna be sick.

MartianBethany:  And blonde academic lady is CLEARLY love interest /sigh. Also she is exposition lady to our intrepid heroes.

MartianBethany:  Ha she remembered Shatter’s name but forgot Jacksons oh lulz.

MartianBethany:  Okay, no, really: how on Earth is a Chuck Norris movie so damned boring?

MartianBethany:  Oh well there’s a bloody twist! The Professor is, in fact, the Evil Undead bad Guy?

MartianBethany:  “You know, he’s not an eccentric…” LET ME GUESS YOU’RE GONNA SAY HE’S AN ASSHOLE oh I’m right what a shock.

MartianBethany:  Chuck Norris enters dark hotel room. Let me guess: fight ensues!

MartianBethany:  Oh hey I was right AGAIN what do you freaking know.

MartianBethany:  Okay I’m pausing the movie for a minute, I just had a coughing fit so bad I got dizzy. Going to find my cough meds brb  (Martian Note: I really have been sick a lot, lately.  It’s frustrating.  But this coughing fit was pretty scary- my vision went black for a second and I thought I was going to pass out.)

cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany while you’re gone I’ll imagine some stilted dialog and pointless fighting. And bad character names.

MartianBethany:  .@cmdrsue The sad part is there hasn’t been that much fighting, period. It’s been all stilted dialog and really bad names.

MartianBethany:  Okay I’m sorry I need like five minutes or so. I came very close to passing out and I want the cough meds to take before I go on.

MartianBethany:  Okay, sorry guys. I just had to catch my breath and calm down for a minute. Resuming movie.

cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany welcome back. Apparently the movie was better while paused since I was imagining more fighting.

MartianBethany:  .@cmdrsue Far, far better.

MartianBethany:  Jackson, on his way back to the room, got bashed over the head and robbed of this scepter… thing.

MartianBethany:  I haven’t really talked about it much because I’m tired of long pointless talking scenes and I just don’t care about them.

MartianBethany:  Oh hey the undead guy… almost ate that guy on camera. Man there was a fight scene and it got interesting for, like, a second there.

MartianBethany:  Then, nothing. Damn.

MartianBethany:  Come on guys we’re watching a Chuck Norris movie, I want to see people get pummeled.

MartianBethany:  Also apparently there is this running gag where neither of them have eaten in three days but only Jackson cares?

MartianBethany:  CHUCK NORRIS NEEDS NO FOOD. ONLY WEAKLINGS DO.
cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany I thought that was a Chuck Norris fact. #chucknorrisneedsnofood

MartianBethany:  Goddammit I knew that little kid was gonna end up as an additional sidekick. Because we need another annoying sidekick, guys.

MartianBethany:  Okay this monk looks like Nosferatu. No really. Except for the teeth and claws- he facially resembles him though.

MartianBethany:  The scepter they just lost is apparently the key to the gates of hell. Good job guys.

cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany *checks all pockets* Dammit, I know I had the key to the gates of hell just a minute ago…

MartianBethany:  “LEAVE! LEAVE!” “Either this guy is nuttier than a Snickers or there is some real heavy shit going down.” Can’t it be both?

MartianBethany:  Oh but it was a fake scepter. That’s good! Oh but the monk was in possession of the scepter, and the Big Bad just took it. That’s bad.

MartianBethany:  Now they’re breaking into the Israeli police station for reasons which are unclear…

MartianBethany:  So, the sidekick is a black guy with a lot of braids. They knock out the cop who sees them. They don’t think that maybe this will-

MartianBethany:  -I don’t know, get back to the Israeli Captain? Because how many American black men with braids have they seen lately?

MartianBethany:  Norris and the blond gal are now on a first name basis. Rowr.

MartianBethany:  “I know you just met me and you’ve known the professor for ages, but you must trust me.” “Well… okay.”

MartianBethany:  Then point is moot because the Professor/Big Bad… kidnaps her or something? What?

cmdrsue:  @MartianBethany OMG, was that actual dialog? Or just a paraphrase of how it came off. #wouldbelieveitwasdialog #baddialog

MartianBethany:  .@cmdrsue It was REALLY close to the dialog in the film, but it was a paraphrase.

MartianBethany:  So the Professor was calling whats-her-nuts Princess because she’s a duke’s daughter. Hm.

MartianBethany:  Oh they need Royal Blood for the final ceremony, I see. So she’s helpless damsel to be rescued then. Gotcha.

MartianBethany:  Will we finally get to some FIGHTING for crying out loud…

MartianBethany:  “Does it seem like a trap to you?” “Huh, you’re right, it’s a little too easy…” *walks into trap* #realdialog #noreally

MartianBethany:  Finally! Chuck Norris versus a Minion of Satan! Oh man I hope that wasn’t it, I’ll be bummed if it was.

MartianBethany:  “What do we do now?” “Good cop bad cop” “Funny.” #realdialog #notfunny

MartianBethany:  His death was very… fireworky. Like they’d stuffed sparklers in his chest.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany:  If it’s Chuck Norris then I don’t doubt it one bit.

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie Nah it was the big satan’s minion guy lol.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Awww 😦 I was hoping it’d be Chuck Norris.

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie Chuck Norris needs no food and doesn’t die! Not even sparkly, fireworky deaths!

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Oh right! I forgot that!

MartianBethany:  ….and that’s it. Wow. That was extremely disappointing.

MartianBethany:  There were like… I dunno, four, five fight scenes? Tops?

MartianBethany:  I was counting on a lot more cheesy fight scenes to carry this movie. That was just sad.

MartianBethany:  It’s like they made an 80’s action movie and then forgot to put in all the action.

Fight scene count: There was the one where they beat up the drug guy in the beginning, then where they defended the girl from her pimp, and then when Chuck Norris fought the ancient evil.  That’s three.  Then we pretty much went the rest of the movie without a single ass kicking, right up until the end where we got to or three more fights.  That was it.  Oh, wait, there was one where they jumped him at the hotel, but I may be throwing that in with the fight scenes at the end.  I don’t remember.  It was a long dry spell.

Come on, guys, this is Chuck Norris.  I don’t rent Chuck Norris movies to watch him act, I want to see him kick people in the face!  If I want an action movie with a character I’m interested in, I’ll watch a Jackie Chan film!  Plus five minutes of any given Jackie Chan film is more interesting than this hunk of crap. Yes, even the shitty Rush Hour sequels.  (Side note: Am I the only one who is disappointed that Chris Tucker doesn’t die in any of the movies he seems to be in, ever?)

There really was a car action scene in the middle that was clearly thrown in because of some last minute argument between writer and director.

Writer: I think this script is deep and complex and
Director: WTF are you smoking?  This is a Chuck Norris film not Schindler’s List
Writer: Well I thought maybe he needed more speaking film time
Director: Look, nobody gets a single ass kicked from 20 minutes in until 10 minutes before the credits roll.
Writer: Well, maybe you have a point.  Look, here, when Chu- Frank Shatter goes back to his hotel room, he’ll be attacked by an assassin!
Director: A lone assassin?  Really?
Writer:….several, it’ll be a great group fight.  Happy?
Director: I don’t know, that still seems like a long time without any action.
Writer: Okay, look- when they go from the airport to the Israeli police station, how about I have them have kind of a car chase scene?  I mean, they won’t chase anyone but the driver is this CRAZY driver and he’ll do all these neat jumps and stuff.
Director: Really? You know what?  I don’t even care anymore.  Do your thing while I go find Whiskey.

Maybe it’s the other way around- I doubt it thought because there were like FIVE writers on this film.  Writing by committee rarely goes well.

But they were working it like it was a mystery movie, and lets be clear: Sherlock Holmes he fucking AIN’T guys.  Throw him in a crowd of bad guys and let him kick ass for 90 minutes or so.  Hell, throw Jackie Chan in too.  Just keep throwing bad guys at them until you run out of film or something.

You’re going to film a typical action film, just run with it.  Ignore science, keep the plot to a minimum (and one which works within the lead’s capabilities) make sure there are plenty of things that go boom.  If it’s fun to watch then that makes up for minimal plot/boring acting.  If it’s none of those then zzzzzzzzzzzzzz?

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