Oh man.  I don’t even want to summarize this film at all.  First of all, the film couldn’t decide what it was.  Also, it made me angry just re-reading the transcript.

Okay:

Mission to Titan.  They discover the Germans have been attacked and killed.  Their members get picked off one by one, and the alien creature uses a sort of brain slug to control the dead bodies of the people it’s killing.  The people under control go from being really canny and acting normal (well, not normal, but like a smart alien being trying to lure people out) to acting like Rage Zombies.  The Creature itself looks like they tried to imitate the Xenomorph’s head and just put it on a guy with a rubber suit.  This movie is like many that catch onto a trend.  They take bits and strips of different movies and instead of blending them together to make their own movie unique, they just paste them on a board like a poorly made collage.

In the interest of keeping our math straight: Alien came out in 1979, and John Carpenter’s the Thing came out in 1982.

MartianBethany: Here at 30 past, we’re going to watch Creature: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088961/

MartianBethany: Netflix blurb: After landing on Saturn’s largest moon, and American exploration team discovers that members of a rival German group-

MartianBethany: -have been mutilated. As their numbers dwindle, the explorers look for a way to stop a vicious alien creature from killing them all.

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany wasn’t The Thing a hero that was shunned? #OldComicKnowledge

Adamthemann: Is it creature of the black lagoon?

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann It appears to be a creature that is an Alien ripoff. Check out the box art: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088961/

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany that picture says I WILL EAT YOU FOR I AM THE SANDWORM

HiroOdan: It kind if looks like a fish from the deep blue sea. Arr this alien be a salty dog.

MartianBethany: The Creature kind of looks like a Xenomorph, but they’re going to an icy quasi-military installation.

MartianBethany: Man the set design is bad. Blinking lights =! storm

MartianBethany: I realize that I’m used to different graphics, but I’m pretty good at shifting my expectations back.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany just like…..wait for it……ALPHA RITA’S ESCAPED

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Titan looks a lot like the moon on power rangers. I keep expecting her to pop out. “Ah, after 10000 years I’m free!”

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany “ZED, I HAVE A HEADACHE!”

HiroOdan: @MartianBethany power rangers assemble! The world needs your help! Go go power rangers! #Noreallyiamgoingtosleepzzzzzz

MartianBethany: Now, in Carpenter’s The Thing, did they find dead Swedes? Something like that?

MartianBethany: Finding dead Germans is totally not a rip off.

MartianBethany: You know what has NEVER gotten old? Having a ‘creepy’ moment where someone sneaks up and scares one of the ‘good guys’. #sarcasm

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany ………………BOO!

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann *chases Adam with a bit of wood*

MartianBethany: Obvious bad guys are REALLY obvious. Don’t you love it when characters are so clearly represented and labeled?

MartianBethany: That way you know who you’re supposed to care about without any of that messy character development.

MartianBethany: The ‘ducting’ in the background is clearly the same stuff that’s on the back of my clothes dryer.

MartianBethany: Bad Girl has also got a SERIOUS case of 80’s Bangs going on.

riathepinkie:  @MartianBethany As all Bad Girls should

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie Oh I missed you!

riathepinkie:  @MartianBethany I’m back! And I’m in full support of Bad Girl With 80’s Bangs just fyi

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie @MartianBethany Hey movie, the 80’s called they want their…..oh you were made in the 80’s that explains it

riathepinkie:  @Adamthemann LOL it almost works

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie I know right

MartianBethany: Klaus Kinski played Gunther in Crawlspace. He returns as Creepy German dude in Creature.

MartianBethany: “I’ll tell you what you’re up against. No, I shouldn’t tell you. But then, I guess, why not?” #realdialog

MartianBethany: Hm, he’s having visions of a dead girl. Is she dead or is she being used by the CREATURE

Michael_Henry_: @MartianBethany I did NOT hit her, that’s a LIE.

MartianBethany: I’m going to guess the second, in the tradition of the Thing

MartianBethany: Creepy German is infodump character. I think we just confirmed that DeadGirl is being used by Creature.

MartianBethany: Hm, DeadGirl just stripped naked on the surface of Titan where it’s supposedly -76. She’s bleeding from the back of the head.

riathepinkie: I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m really amused

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie I have that effect on people #justsaying

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie 80’s movie that put The Thing, Alien, and a whole bunch of suck in a blender

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Oh so the perfect movie then?

MartianBethany: So this particular creature crawls into the brain and takes over. Well that’s handy.

MartianBethany: This guy is a CreatureZombie now, and he’s trying to get them to the German ship.

MartianBethany: Greg: They need Admiral Ackbar right now. IT’S A TRAP!

MartianBethany: And now we’ve gone into zombie movie territory, because the lady who’s been taken over wakes up and freaks out like a rage zombie.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany no movie is complete without a Potential Rage Zombie freak out

MartianBethany: See, that still bugs me. Futuristic looking medical kit! Futuristic looking air supplies! Flashlight I used when I was a kid!

riathepinkie:  @MartianBethany They ran out of the futuristic flashlights! Plus retro is very in!

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie I know but they didn’t even try to hide or change it! Even a plain black maglight would be preferable.

MartianBethany: “I’m not exactly what you think I am. I know medicine, but that’s not my field.” “I have a secret of my own.” #heisanalien  (Martian Note: Real dialog guys.)

MartianBethany: Alienguy walks into dark room. She follows, looking frightened. I wonder how often that was a script cue in this movie.

MartianBethany: Yep, Creature is a knock-off Xenomorph. A really BAD knock-off

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany futuristic looking Air Supply? Graham Russell in a silver
jumpsuit? Wait, I think they wore that…

MartianBethany: Shot the guy taken over by alien. Greg goes Hello? Are you gonna shoot the big giant alien thing that was eating the girl?

MartianBethany: Liz (roommate): Pssssht.

MartianBethany: They totally stole a Star Wars noise. A gun turret shooting a laser. Greg an Liz immediately caught this, with me closely following.  (Martian Note: I have not been able to independently confirm this for certain, but I’m confident.)

MartianBethany: So add Star Wars to the list of movies this one has ripped off in one way or another.

MartianBethany: The doors that are supposed to be airlocks look as flimsy as plywood.

MartianBethany: She just ran out of an airlock without her helmet on, and then put it on when she fell over gasping. #toodumbtolive

MartianBethany: Greg says: “This is Thing… INNNNN SPAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCEEEE!”

MartianBethany: The whole art design of this film is testimony to the ‘eh, fuck it’ school of thought.

riathepinkie:  @MartianBethany As is the script apparently

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie And the concept, and most of the acting…

riathepinkie:  @MartianBethany So this whole movie is one long montage of “Awww fuck it…”

MartianBethany: So, since we’re ripping off Zombie movies- let’s guess, you have to remove the alien parasite or destroy the brain to kill ’em.

MartianBethany: If this movie had any other original concept I wouldn’t accuse it of ripping off zombie films- after all it’s an accepted trope

MartianBethany: But when you create a movie made up of tropes and ripping off what is, at the time, new sci fi, that’s just intellectually lazy

Adamthemann: so creature is the 80’s version of Eragon. Gotcha

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann Very apt comparison

MartianBethany: The lady goes: “I saw this in a movie once.” YEAH WE KNOW.  (Martian Note: SHE REALLY SAID THIS.)

MartianBethany: Also: making a set DARK is not the same as making it creepy, nor dirty. In fact, it just looks like you’re disguising bad sets.

MartianBethany: Oh man that’s the first good look at the alien I’ve gotten- it’s the Xeno head on a man’s rubber suit. Jesus.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Uwe Boll can learn from tha……wait that man can’t learn

MartianBethany: “Let’s warm up the ship and go home.” But… you were stuck here with a broken ship. What? Maybe they fixed it? When I wasn’t looking?

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany “The professor and Mary Ann…..?”

MartianBethany: LADY WHY ARE YOU GOING BACK TO POKE THE DEAD ALIEN LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

MartianBethany: And it grabbed her. Of course. I maintain that this is because they didn’t steal the most awesome part of The Thing: flamethrowers!

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany and they didn’t listen to the rules of surviving a horror movie

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Mostly because they are just too stupid to fucking live.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany in the immortal words of Kurt Angle. It’s true, IT’S DAMN TRUE

MartianBethany: Also: never assume something whose biology you don’t understand is dead. It can survive the cold, so set it on FIRE.

MartianBethany: But hell you don’t know, that thing could be carrying something that could wipe out mankind. You burn the corpse, and when you get-

MartianBethany: -home you set yourself in a quarantine until you’re sure you don’t have the Alien to Human version of smallpox

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany or alien Aids

MartianBethany: Remember what the European did to the Indians, on ACCIDENT (at first, anyway)? Disease we’re immune to KILLS YOU.

MartianBethany: The Creature’s version of a Mild Cold could wipe us the fuck out totally on accident. Unknown blood is a biohazard.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany that is why bleach is a must around aliens

MartianBethany: And the Bag Girl saved everyone, just in the nick of time. (Martian Note: I meant Bad Girl here, but the typo amuses me.)

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Bag GIrl EXP Gain………LEVEL UP……AP gain…….

MartianBethany: “Well, are we having fun yet?” What? No! You lost most of your crew! How do you have air- you were running out, with a busted ship!

MartianBethany: I feel like @Linkara19. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!  (Martian Note: Apologies to Linkara, who has only said it once or twice regarding film.  I’m sure he would agree with me on this.)

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany wow, it moved you to yelling at the movie? It must seriously suck…

MartianBethany: @cmdrsue I just… I want to set it on FIRE.

Michael_Henry_: @MartianBethany Do you have a magic gun?

MartianBethany: @Michael_Henry_ I WILL MAKE ONE!

Michael_Henry_: @MartianBethany ooooh… science!

Adamthemann: only one movie has made me want to rip it off the screen and burn it @linkara19 style…..Dragonball: Evolution

MartianBethany: That concludes Bad Movie Live Tweet for tonight. Before I get a rage migraine. That was just AWFUL.

riathepinkie:  @MartianBethany UGH it was.

Do you remember when Saw came out?  The first Saw movie was excellent, it’s among my favorite horror of the last decade.  After that, a billion different torture porn movies came out, all of them with variations on the same theme.  Some of them clearly imitating the first, or the later versions.  All of them have a sense of sameness to them, the cheap veneer of ‘get this out as soon as possible and pass this off as something new’.

If you want another example, go to the YA section of your book store and count the number of new books that are about Vampires and romance.

Klaus Kinski is, once again, the scariest thing in the film.  His screen time totaled less than five minutes, I think.

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