Crawlspace is exactly what it says on the box.  It is about a landlord who only accepts female tenants of the attractive variety, and he crawls around in the venting (which was likely purpose built for this) and spies on them.  Mostly he just watches, but every single girl in the building has a problem with their boyfriends just disappearing after a while.

This movie heavily relies on the absolute stupidity of the characters in order to get the plot along.

At the end Gunther, the landlord, snaps like a Slim Jim and kills everyone but Lori, our main character.  Lori eventually releases the woman (whose tongue he’d cut out) he had been keeping in a cage and together they kill Gunther and survive the night.

MartianBethany:  Alrighty we are go for Crawlspace:

MartianBethany:  Netflix blurb: “Klaus Kinski is at his creepy best as Karl Gunther, whose boarding house for young women hides some sinister secrets.

MartianBethany:  He spends his downtime stalking his tenants from hidden passages and carrying out kinky, sadistic experiments.”

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany I sense a lot of shower scenes to come, is this movie a crappy remake of Psycho?

MartianBethany:  …this guy had a stabbing machine that only works if you’re standing in ONE spot. How practical is that?

MartianBethany:  Also, it only one-shot killed this lady because she was the right height. And if she’d stepped forward it would only have grazed her.

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany almost as practical as a machine that only makes Iced Beverages on REALLY REALLY COLD DAYS……..wait

MartianBethany:  @Adamthemann Because the machine is sitting outSIDE.

MartianBethany:  Also, it only one-shot killed this lady because she was the right height. And if she’d stepped forward it would only have grazed her.

Adamthemann:  ahhhhh movies and their impractical killing devices…..I just summed up the entire Saw Series

MartianBethany:  @Adamthemann Saw is impractical but there’s an amount of certainty to them. This is just sloppy work.

MartianBethany:  Woman nearly nude, looking sexy for… herself, I guess. Something creaks, and instead of grabbing the robe she covers herself with-

MartianBethany:  her own hands. Grab the damn robe it’s RIGHT THERE you idiot.

MartianBethany:  Creepy landlord is in the vents, WATCHING YOU FUCK. Nobody hears him crawling around up there?

MartianBethany:  Do you remember that Mythbusters episode where they were trying to crawl through the ductwork and there was a terrible lot of noise?

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany noise does not apply in movies unless it happens to be crucial to the finding of an escaping hero

MartianBethany:  Either that’s a fantastic she-mullet or she’s got her hair pinned in a particularly unflattering fashion.

MartianBethany:  There’s a bunch of girls who live here, and they’re all pretty. Wouldn’t one of them go ‘hm that’s creepy I’m moving out!’

MartianBethany:  Creepy landlord has a girl in a cage, and he’s cut her tongue out. He’s also a former Nazi.

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany nothing says creepy like a cage owned by a former Nazi

MartianBethany:  @Adamthemann Especially with a tongueless woman in it.

MartianBethany:  I mean, he’s clearly not accepting the money from men at all. Why wouldn’t one of them go “hey, no really, this is fucked up”

MartianBethany:  There’s a door in the room which opens up on his control so he can let rats in and scare the girls.

MartianBethany:  Oh, but miss Main Character hears the tapping in her ceiling vents. Probably because a RAT got into her room.

MartianBethany:  You know what makes people really paranoid about tiny noises? Rodentia.

MartianBethany:  Main character’s name is Lori. Just thought I’d mention it now so people don’t get confused when I start tossing names around.

MartianBethany:  Apparently all the girls in this building get together for, like, slumber party nights or something. Well that’s neighborly, I guess.

MartianBethany:  I think the landlord is killing off all the boyfriends of his tenants. Landlord = Gunther, btw.

MartianBethany:  Oh apparently Gunther’s FATHER was a Nazi, not Gunther himself. He’s got a whole bunch of Nazi paraphernalia and he looks the age.

Adamthemann:  I hope the landlord doesn’t do what I think he is going to do with the cut out tongue

MartianBethany:  @Adamthemann He’s got it preserved in formaldehyde it looks like. So far.

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany oh good, thank the gods it isn’t what I think he was going to do with it (Martian Note: I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.)

MartianBethany:  Wow this guy’s brother was apparently killed by Gunther (Gunther was a medical doctor). Guy also has a knock-off Indiana Jones hat.

MartianBethany:  Wow now that I think about it he’s dressed like Indy when Dr. Jones is teaching. Like, really.

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany “YOU’RE A TEACHER?” Indy “PART TIME”

HiroOdan:  @MartianBethany he’s not Indy unless he’s Harrison Ford

MartianBethany:  NO REALLY GUYS

MartianBethany:  Hm a suspect another tenant boyfriend is about to ‘mysteriously disappear’. Apparently the tenants have this problem. No, really.

MartianBethany:  They were talking about it. And they were discussing Gunther’s tendency towards beautiful young women.

MartianBethany:  “I like your cane. It’s long, and slick, and hard.” She is ‘confused by culture’ but understands double entendre.

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany Best line ever… she a red head?

MartianBethany:  @Adamthemann Nope she’s going with the ‘dumb blonde’ trope.

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany oh good LORD. Ewwwww.

MartianBethany:  This whole vent thing is really bugging me. It’s a metal box. Everything echoes in there. They only hear him when he deliberately taps

MartianBethany:  Oh he just made a chair that launches a long spike up from the bottom. That’s, uh, nasty.

MartianBethany:  *guy lights up* “Do you mind if I smoke?” It’s a bit late for that, asshole.

MartianBethany:  I think that fakeIndy just implied that Lori’s little sister was ALSO killed by Dr. Gunther.

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany chair with whole in bottom….oh god the stories I have heard about the Chinese chair…..*holds head*

MartianBethany:  You know, I’ve never investigated a regular tapping noise. I would just assume it was a metronome.

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany so what you’re saying is… these people are all too stupid to live. #nosurvivalinstinct

Adamthemann:  @cmdrsue @MartianBethany and the Darwin award goes to

MartianBethany:  Oh whatever that chair death would not be instant unless it managed to pierce his heart. The spike wasn’t that long.

MartianBethany:  Horrible, and painful, but not over in less than 10 seconds.

MartianBethany:  Lori just came home to a fridge full of rats and a dead fakeIndy in the bath tub, swastika inscribed in his forehead. #welptimetomove

HiroOdan:  @cmdrsue @MartianBethany don’t you know a Nazi’s worst enemy is Imitation Jones, uh I mean Indiana Jones #sorry

Adamthemann:  you know what this movie needs……..*looks around* CHUCK NORRIS……*Chuck Norris Meme plays*

MartianBethany:  Lori found the lady sans tongue and SET HER FREE like a smart person. Run for it both of you!

MartianBethany:  Now Lori’s climbed into the vents and she’s climbing in them, but she gave him time to sneak up on her. #toodumbtolive

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany why am I getting creepy flashbacks of Hostel and the Chinese chick cutting off her dangling eyeball

cmdrsue: @MartianBethany what I like about you is your unflagging optimism. #theyaretoostupidtolive

MartianBethany:  Also he knows the vents way better than she does. Oh and he just set a whole bunch of rats loose in the vents.

MartianBethany:  Actually, that’s not the worst part. He clearly domesticates rats. Domesticated rats are generally pretty neat.

MartianBethany:  But the point is that he’s clearly got shit under control here.

MartianBethany:  Okay, you know he’s behind you. Slide down a vent that leads to a room, kick out the vent. Break a window. Run away.

MartianBethany:  You’re much smaller than he is, he probably *can’t* get into the room through the vents and won’t be able to beat you outside.

Adamthemann:  @MartianBethany what part of girls in horror movies don’t get smart until the VERY end

MartianBethany:  Quit freaking out about the rats. Even if they bite you, disease is treatable. Death is pretty permanent. Prioritize.

MartianBethany:  He just faked is own death so now Lori and Sans Tongue are gonna try to call for help because they think he’s dead #runyouidiots

MartianBethany:  Okay, he’s IN the ROOM. The window is RIGHT NEXT to you. Break it open and bail

MartianBethany:  She kills him with the gun he plays Russian roulette with, which has a bullet with his NAME on it in it.

MartianBethany:  Well Lori and Sans Tongue made it. I’m glad, if anyone deserves a second shot at life it’s the lady he was keeping in a cage.

: @MartianBethany Ooook just tuned in for that part and 0.o #thingstakenoutofcontext

MartianBethany:  @riathepinkie To be honest, the context does not make it any better. It’s exactly how it sounds.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Oh wow. That’s…wow.

The spring loaded spike that kicked up through the bottom of the chair- while technically (looking at this in hindsight) the spike might have been long enough to hit the heart, considering how large and strong the Gluteus Maximus is (and how much padding we have varying from person to person) the likelihood that it scored a heart shot and an instant kill is slim to none.  And that sort of an attack would kill a man, but when you tangle someone’s guts up into it like that you’re looking at 15 minutes at least- even if it was a nicked lung you gotta wait for the guy to drown in his own blood or whatever, or indicate that some passage of time has occurred.

So, you may ask, why do I give terribly crappy Vincent Price movies (like The Abominable Dr. Phibes) a pass when this movie just inspires ire?  Well, the truth is that Vincent Price movies (especially the Corman films) tend to be ridiculously over the top.  They do NOT take themselves seriously as horror.  The tone is really, really important to how a movie is taken- if you take the movie seriously I will take the movie seriously, and judge it accordingly.

I will give the movie this, though: Klaus Kinski is one creepy motherfucker. End transmission.