As a side note: I took to long to doing the screenshots of this and apparently Netflix took this off the Instant Watch list. (Really? A gem like this? What a loss! /sarcasm)

This movie was released in 2001 according to IMDB.  The film quality made it look like it had been filmed in the 70’s.  It might be on purpose, like it’s imitating some old b-movie, but that’s just not very clear.  There’s also some weird name bs- according to Netflix it’s called Keeper of Souls, but according to IMDB it’s called The Waking. Don’t worry, neither title makes sense.

This was a film with a lead actor (Tim Card) who was also the writer and director.

He played the lead, and the woman who played his wife was uncomfortably younger than him.  I know that having a woman who’s much younger than the lead actor play the wife/girlfriend/romantic interest is pretty much a Hollywood standard, but this is definitely in the awkward zone.

It doesn’t help that the two leads don’t have any chemistry at all.  The first time I saw Tim Card enter the scene I thought he was playing the girl’s father.  Actually, if he had been, that might have made this movie better.  He unilaterally makes a decision once or twice that wouldn’t come across so badly if she were his daughter and not his wife.

The movie itself is about a couple who goes to the middle of nowhere in… some place.  I’m not actually sure where this was supposed to be set.  It said Dallas County, which I guess should be Texas.  But that was extremely unclear.  They all seemed to have different southern accents, and I couldn’t figure out who was trying to do what kind of accent, and who might have been wrong.  Also, there was a swamp?  I don’t know.  It’s entirely possibly they mentioned where this was supposed to be and I missed it because I was just beyond the point of caring.

So, plot: couple comes to town in order to spread the woman’s grandmother’s ashes. They stay in someone’s spare house.  Husband and wife set her grandmother’s ashes to rest.  Wife wants to leave town, but husband finds some bones that may belong to a missing girl and so they stick around to see what happens.  This was, of course, their fatal mistake.  (Insert Clue joke HERE.)

Husband and wife are attacked by the local Satanic cult (what) and in the end nearly anybody dies except one dude who smiled at the camera after everyone else died.  I guess he was the keeper of souls?  He was also a family friend of the couple, so oh the betrayal?

In the end this movie is just awful.

The acting is pretty on par for this kind of movie (bad) and the writing is a little worse than normal.  The movie makes no sense.  At one point a gang of Satanists attack the Husband, and they have a big shotgun trained on him.  And trained on him.  And trained on him.  And then backup arrives and they throw a snake at him.

And when it becomes clear he’s going to be able to roll away from the snake, they don’t shoot him.  Because?

I suppose they were going for a ‘oh he died of a rattle snake bite’ but they managed to keep the missing girl’s disappearance pretty mysterious and the couple was clearly only staying in town for a couple of days.  This is so easy- you disappear the guy and the girl and sink their car into the swamp and nobody is going to know they didn’t go back home, at least not for a while anyway.

There’s also this weird moment where the wife overhears them talking sinisterly about her husband and she doesn’t ever, you know, mention it or anything again.  They actually said something about attacking ‘someone’ with a rattlesnake and when she heard that her husband was attacked with a rattlesnake she didn’t go OH BUT THEY WERE SAYING!  And the scene was supposed to be ambiguous, but anyone hearing them speak could tell that they both were in on it.  I don’t know if the scene was going for ambiguity and ‘who’s on whose side’ but it just made the lead female Too Stupid To Live.

Also, I never caught any of the actual Keeper of Souls stuff.  And I don’t know what’s going on with the dvd cover, but none of it was vaguely applicable to the movie.

On to the tweets:

MartianBethany: In less than 20 minutes I’m watching Keeper of Souls

MartianBethany: Blurb: Cliff and Stacy travel to the quiet town of Grove Hill to scatter the ashes of Stacey’s recently deceased grandmother. There,-

MartianBethany: -Stacey is haunted by nightmares of the Keeper of Souls, an evil sorcerer who lived through the Salem Witch Trials.

Adamthemann: I first read Blurb as blurp #selectivedyslexiaftw

Adamthemann: great ghosts of a mass witch hunt, whats next, the b/f is haunted by ghost of roman generals

MartianBethany: Ooh scrolling text! Lets see- blah blah blah Salem blah blah blah blah nightmares blah blah blah sorcery

MartianBethany: This scrolling text is the non-verbal equivalent to Charlie Brown’s teacher. WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

Adamthemann: ooooo ooooo new movie idea. Dude goes to Salem and gets possessed by the ghost of a Revolutionary War General. Mass Hysteria ensues

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Txt scroll *hears Spoony, Linkara and Critic singing* BORING THIS IS SO BORING, THIS IS SO BORING GET TO THE SHOW  (Martian note: go here and watch THIS. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.)

MartianBethany: Okay well at least we got the boobs out of the way early on. Wouldn’t want to wait around for that. …is she wearing a belly chain?

Riathepinkie: @MartianBethany A WHAT?

Adamthemann: Boobs in the opening Scene I can just imagine the Dialog “Yeah goin to grandma’s house….Honey Bra or No Bra which looks Sluttier”

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann ‘Twas actually more like a Satanic chase and then orgy. So maybe it was appropriate?

MartianBethany: The film quality looks like it was done in the 70s or 80s. IT WAS MADE IN 01.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany *snicker* 1901 maybe

MartianBethany: Is that ‘my heart will go on’ played on bag pipes? I swear to god that’s what it sounds like.

MartianBethany: Okay, it’s not me, I’m getting max picture quality out of this. So it really is this crappily filmed. Okay.  (Martian Note: the film quality was so bad I actually stopped the film and checked to see if I just had bad signal.)

Adamthemann: Anyone up for a live action Devil May Cry Movie

MartianBethany: The police ‘missing’ poster he just put up looks like a dot matrix printer threw up all over it.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Dot Matrix Printer was the printer with the LONG sheet of paper that went eeee eeeee eeeee back and forth right

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Yep! With the long holey strips on the sides.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany WOW maybe this was made in the early 1900’s with a typo on the year

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann I think they’re trying to set it ‘back in the day’.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany ohhhhhhh word! I hope the clothing matches the year

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Oh now THAT’S such a good sign.

MartianBethany: He looks like 800 years older than the lady who’s playing his wife. They have a father/daughter dynamic that just comes off as creepy.

(Martian Note: Who the fuck decided to put the young looking girl in overalls? Way to make her look EVEN YOUNGER.)

MartianBethany: The acting is baaaaaaad. Like, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Adamthemann: is it……wait for it…….Super. Bad 🙂 #cornyjokesarelulzy

MartianBethany: Really she looks like she’s 15 and he looks like he’s about 40. This is giving me like 8 kinds of oogs.

MartianBethany: “I saw something down by the barn! Behind the moonlight, in the dark!” #whotalkslikethat #thatsrightnobodydoes

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany older director has cradle robbing issues and can only deal with them without seeming creepy on screen……and fails

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Behind the moonlight? Do they even know how moonlight works?

MartianBethany: @riathepinkie I doubt it.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany *sigh*

MartianBethany: Man this movie’s soundtrack was done on a Casio a dog I swear.

MartianBethany: I just thought “Man I wish I was watching that awful Chuck Norris movie… what was it? Hellbound.” Real actual thought.

MartianBethany: “I don’t mean to sound crazy or anything, but…” That sentence means “I’m about to say something completely fucking crazy.”

MartianBethany: They’re supposed to be acting like they’re drunk and they’re failing miserably.

Adamthemann: Crazy go with the crazy

Adamthemann: best way to film a scene where people are drunk….Get them drunk *Gasp* there is a novel Idea

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann Eh not if you need multiple takes. But tipsy, yes.

MartianBethany: Apparently leadgirl, whatever her name is, sleepwalks.

MartianBethany: Oh, man, I just saw the lead man/director’s unpleasantly hairy chest. He’s wearing a gold chain on his neck, too, just for added ick (42 min)

MartianBethany: “When I find a woman wandering in the road half nekkid something’s terribly wrong and I aim to find out why.”

MartianBethany: For the record: trust me, he said ‘nekkid’ not ‘naked’.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany and the whole time he is think half nekkid, he is thinking about ways to woo said nekkid woman

MartianBethany: So your wife is sleepwalking and you keep finding her in weird places. So you stay in town for a few more days? GO HOME

cmdrsue @MartianBethany to quote Robin Williams, “One more hair and he’d be hunted for his pelt.”

MartianBethany: If you did not FILM for slow motion do not USE slow motion. I don’t care if you need the pacing, there are only so many frames and it-

MartianBethany: -just looks dumb when ‘slow motion’ is a series of stills.

MartianBethany: Oh god this truck driver looks like a black Mister Clean with Hulk Hogan’s mustache. #lulz (49)

Adamthemann: O_o Mr.T “I PITY THE GHOST WITCHES FOOL!!!”

MartianBethany: This movie is full of old men hitting on this young pretty blonde gal. What the hell?

MartianBethany: “I don’t like this one bit.” ME NEITHER.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Finally you and the movie are in complete agreement.

MartianBethany: INFOBARF TIME good lord when will this movie end

Adamthemann: if may help the blonde girl “RUN BITCH RUN” this advice brought to you by Dave Chappelle

MartianBethany: “Something’s definitely wrong here.” YES BECAUSE I AM WATCHING THIS MOVIE #headdesk

MartianBethany: Apparently the bad guys beheaded Mr. Clean/T/Hoak Hogan. That’s a shame. He was my favorite character. #fiveminutesofscreentime

MartianBethany: “Dammit this is turning into a shitstorm.” Nope, it started out that way.

MartianBethany: Oh this is the kind of movie where Everyone Dies. I can handle that.

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany Now it is a Shit Hurricane….Was that joke too soon 🙂

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Sort of the anti-Moffat then? #bmlt #totallyjustwentthere

MartianBethany: “Here comes the Sheriff now.” Totally not the Sheriff. #sheriffdiedinthewoods

MartianBethany: This movie went way heavy on the ambient sound as part of the mix. It’s really distracting.

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie WIN Moffat would have made a movie like this awesome if he had written it.

MartianBethany: Would have been better if: The sheriff (who we just saw get shot) actually HAD gotten out of the car.

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann TRUTH.

MartianBethany: I am really honestly getting a headache. I think it’s the amount of SUCK in the movie.

MartianBethany: “Let’s just shoot and get this shit over with.” ME FIRST.

Adamthemann: “What, no violence, not here, not now, not ever, while I am here. I am The Doctor The Oncoming Storm.” What the doctor would say

Adamthemann: if he was here

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann This is all people being fucked up to each other. The Doctor keeps his nose out of that stuff. Maybe Torchwood would help

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany 11 would have none of it

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann @MartianBethany 10 might find himself accidentally embroiled in it.

MartianBethany: The corpse of the sheriff just popped out of the swamp like a cork and nearly drowned creepy director.

MartianBethany: Bats is trying to interpose herself between me and the keyboard. She’s trying to tell me to STOP WATCHING.

riathepinkie: @MartianBethany Smart cat.

MartianBethany: Okay gifs look better than this slow mo crap

MartianBethany: Oh apparently there are zombies.

MartianBethany: Sadly everyone did not die. Movie loses a kajillion points

Adamthemann: @MartianBethany they saved the innocent baby, how can that be a bad ending

MartianBethany: @Adamthemann I think you’re on the wrong movie.

MartianBethany: The end credits were over and for like a full minute there were the ambient noises they’d been overusing all movie. SHUT UP ALREADY!

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie @Adamthemann @MartianBethany how dare you say unkind words of the greatest doctor ever

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann I said he’d ACCIDENTALLY find himself embroiled in it. Not on purpose!

Adamthemann: @riathepinkie again you save yourself 🙂 and @MartianBethany i agree the ambient noises should end in a weedwacker

riathepinkie: @Adamthemann I’m good at that!

Final note: this is a picture of the guy who goes SURE YOU CAN STAY IN MY PLACE FREE OF CHARGE! Would *you* trust this guy?